Ladies and gentlemen, Helen Mirren! She is fierce in black, because she is Helen Mirren. Oh my God, imagine a fierce-off between her and Tilda Swinton. There would be no survivors. She is here to present a clip for Precious, and she speaks warmly of Lee Daniels, who my Google-fu tells me directed her in Shadowboxer . You're welcome. Zoe Saldana! I love you Zoe! I love your dress Zoe! It is red and ruffly. Also: Sam Worthington. (What? He's not my type, I guess.) Ah, it's the Big Movie Stars Do TV (Male) category. Kevin Bacon beats Jeremy Irons? You need to go borrow the beard back from Hurt, sir. Best actress, ditto: I would just like to say that I love Joan Allen. Of course, now that I've said that, she won't win. I don't think she thinks she's going to win, either, because her hair is very... casual. O hai, Anna Paquin is nominated again! Drew Barrymore wins for Grey Gardens. "I... oh... oh... I can do this!" What? How? This is Drew Barrymore, right? Did I misunderstand something? Why is she hyperventilating? I'm not sure she understands, either: "I've been meeting with these people for like 97 years! I've been in this room since I was seven years old! Oh God, I'm not very good at this!" She says that Mo'Nique set the bar for the evening and gave a beautiful speech. And: "Thank you to Michael for taking a chance on me! I could be like Jeff Spicoli's girlfriend, with the lisp? And the paralysis?" Her hip and shoulder ruffle-tumors have no idea what she's talking about. They're a lovely beige color, though. Cameron Diaz in fire-engine red! I am sad that there is another Shrek movie coming out. "This is the movie where Meryl Streep does sleep with Alec Baldwin." It's so funny to me that Baldwin has finally gotten the success he was striving for as a leading man... after he got doughy and funny. My point is, it's a clip from It's Complicated. Gervais: "This next category is a bit of a downer... it's for writers." He's saying something about how actors are the most important people in the world but the camera is going nuts. Seriously, the operator is having some issues. I just saw blurs and flashes for about five seconds. It's Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler! Aren't they in some romantic comedy together? The kind that makes me die a little inside? I wouldn't know, because Gervais didn't bother to say. Tarantino get a big cheer as his writer nomination comes up, but Jason Reitman wins for Up in the Air , after Butler laughingly threatens not to announce it (isn't he on the wagon? So I don't know what his excuse is). OH MY GOD HELP I CAN'T TYPE FAST ENOUGH. I am barely able to catch that Reitman thanks his father (Ivan Reitman) and I think his mother who is the reason he is able to write women well. As for Clooney: "George doesn't even wanna be here. He wants to be on a soundstage setting up 20,000 phone lines for a telethon. He is one of the greatest men I have ever met." Cut to Clooney laughing in the middle of that, but Reitman is being completely serious. Aw. OH GIRL: Jennifer Garner looks fantastic. Beige one-shoulder sparkle! I wouldn't have thought that poofy hair in the front and down in the back would have worked, but it does. Alec Baldwin wins for something but he is not here. See what I was saying about the success? Twitter says it was for TV comedy lead actor. ilu, Twitter. And I have just finished writing in time for the commercials to end. Sigh. "Soon to be seen as Nick Fury in Iron Man 2: SAMUEL L. JACKSON." He is here to introduce a clip from Inglourious Basterds, "the feel-good movie of the year." He also gets "the great honor of introducing a real live movie star: Sophia Loren." Standing ovation! She is in black with sheer sparkle sleeves. She's speaking a bit slowly as well, which concerns me--for her health, not her sobriety. Best foreign film: The White Ribbon (Germany). Is there a reason they cut to a strangely grimacing Arnold Schwarzenegger? OH STOP TRYING TO PLAY HIM OFF THE STAGE, LET HIM TAKE HIS TIME WITH HIS ENGLISH. Asses. Amy Poehler in red! And someone! Zach! I honestly have no idea who this is (well, I have a suspect, but I can't quite get it to check out on the IMDB), because I am a terrible recapper. Mad Men wins best drama series, and the producer says, "And thank God they're telling me to wrap it up or I wouldn't know what to say." THIS IS THE SECOND SENTENCE OUT OF HIS MOUTH. PEOPLE, LOOSEN UP. Whoa, is that Christina Hendricks back there with the red hair? Because that is a woman who has got it goin' on. What? Twihards, Wolfboy's up next! Try not to wake the neighbors.