"Please welcome! Golden Globe winner and Governor of California! Arnold Schwarzenegger!" He is here to present a clip from Avadah.
Gervais has lost his drink, and also, he is scared of Mickey Rourke. Shit, I'm scared of Mickey Rourke. Mickey Rourke and his taupe ten-gallon hat are here to present best actress, drama. Yay, Emily Blunt! I mean, she won't win, but I like her a lot. Apparently Sandra Bullock is seated next to Robert Downey Jr. There are worse fates, let me tell you. Oh hey! Not only does Bullock win (this kind of baffles me. I mean, I like her and she's a good actress, but this whole The Blind Side thing eludes me), but I love her shiny floaty purple dress. (I would, wouldn't I?) "Please don't let Ricky Gervais be right--do I need to thank whoever bought this for me?" O snap. ARE YOU TRYING TO PLAY SANDRA BULLOCK OFF THE STAGE? FOR REAL?
Next up, it's Sally Hawkins in... well then. A short, sparkly, silver and dark grey dress. It's interesting. Maybe I need to see it again. Best actor, musical/comedy! Robert Downey Jr. is grinning; Joseph Gordon Levitt is like, "I can't believe I'm even here!"; and Matt Damon is HOSHIT FOR REAL? Robert Downey Jr. wins for Sherlock Holmes? FOR REALLY REAL? Joseph Gordon Levitt can't believe it either! "If you start playing violins, I WILL TEAR THIS JOINT APART. First of all, I would like to thank SUSAN DOWNEY for telling me that MATT DAMON was going to win so don't bother WRITING A SPEECH." The theme of the speech is "People I don't want to thank," and also, "AVATAR IS GONNA TAKE US TO THE CLEANERS." Aw. He also quotes Arthur Conan Doyle: "Art in the blood is liable to take the strangest forms." You, sir, now have a free pass for life, as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, the point of the quote was that the HFPA is "a strange bunch, and now I'm one of you. [Waving award:] Take it easy!"
Please welcome! Kate Winslet! In black! Somehow not wearing last year's two Golden Globes as earrings! Wait, Tobey Maguire is up for best actor? Jeff Bridges wins for Crazy Heart, and everything I hear indicates that he is the frontrunner for the Oscar. Semi-standing ovation! Wait--wait--do we--we have full standing ovation! Yeah, he's totally getting the Oscar. "Whoa! Thank you guys! ... Whoa." He wants the drunken camera to get a shot of his beautiful wife of 33 years, and then he starts thanking his father. Yeah, you try to play The Dude off the stage, I dare you. His mother taught him to dance the cha-cha in this room? I don't even know. He also thanks Maggie Gyllenhaal and Colin Farrell--wait, why? Is Colin Farrell in the movie? I don't see him? Maybe he just wants to thank him for being mellow. I'm down with that.
Please welcome! Julia Roberts! In knee-length black and a GIANT gold and ruby pendant-necklace deal. "By the way, if you want attention? Sit next to Paul McCartney. I have never gotten so many texts IN MY LIFE." Best picture! Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, Precious, Up in the Air. "HOLD ON, PEOPLE!" And then Julia stops mid-envelope to tell her kids to go to bed. I have never seen anyone who could manage to make any given award presentation about her, it's breathtaking. You know, like the time Denzel Washington won Best Actor and she announced it with, "I love my life!" Yeah. Oh, by the way, Avatar wins. Which was why I was kind of expecting Bigelow to win director, as a consolation prize (she's beaten him for previous awards this year, so it's possible). Because... yeah. "This is the best job in the world!" enthuses James Cameron. "I just want you to give it up for yourselves!" (Everyone is more than happy to clap.) "They're telling me to wind it up, but they're afraid to start the music." Okay, that did make me laugh.
Show's over! Gervais: "We've got about eight seconds, so if I could have one wish, I would wish for world peace--no! No! Can I change that! I would want everyone to watch The Ricky Gervais Show, starting February 19th!" Yeah, I called it.