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Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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Hope for Haiti #1
msauvage purple
So basically, George Clooney went to MTV and said, "I'm George Clooney, give me a telethon," and thus: it was so. And pretty much 83% of Hollywood will be manning and womanning the phone bank. The other 17% will be presenting. Like, seriously. He got Jack Nicholson to chat with the plebes. And then all the other channels agreed to run it, because they might as well, because it's not like anyone will be watching anything else.

The show begins with a sad montage. Yeah... I... I may have to adjust my snarkblogger autopilot here. As a side note, you'll be able to buy any live performance on iTunes as of tomorrow night, so if I mention something you're interested in, you can get hold of it. You know, like all of this won't be on YouTube tomorrow.

Y'all, they have really got to run a crawl across the bottom of the screen or something to tell us who's performing and what, because... I don't know. I got old, okay? Alicia Keys! Yes! Thank you, Twitter! She is at a piano and it is very nice and very sad. Then the song is done and she bows her head and I'm momentarily surprised when there's no applause because, you know, there's no studio audience. And then suddenly where there once were shadows GEORGE CLOONEY IS THERE, AHHHH that was kind of scary. "WHY." I DON'T KNOW, GEORGE! I DON'T KNOW! He's speeching and that's great and then they pan across the Celebrity Phone Bank of Celebrities and Phones and I'm sorry, seeing Daniel Day-Lewis just cracks me up so bad. Like, he should be in a Dell tech call center learning how to do this all Method and shit. Bless.

WHO IS THIS I AM OLD! It sounds like Coldplay! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS HARD FOR ME! Okay, that has to be Chris Martin's voice, it has to be. This whole "I just walked off the street in my knit cap" thing is not helping, Mr. Paltrow. This is London, by the way. Clooney's in New York. I'm not sure where we are now--wait, Los Angeles, thank you for telling me that. Halle Berry (sober neutrals, scarf) is talking about a boy who wasn't rescued for eight days, and I would like to point out right here that @BreakingNews posts like three or four news stories a day of people who are only just now being rescued. Yeah. That's pretty much why we're here tonight. It's still that bad.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUCE. "A small prayer for Haiti," he says, and goes into "We Shall Overcome."

Celebrity Phone Bank: Tobey Maguire (uneasy look into the camera), Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, Mel Gibson, Reese Witherspoon. FOR REAL. Man, I cannot even imagine the conversations they are having right now. Here's Anderson Cooper (grey v-neck), live from Port-au-Prince, because he is hardcore. I... kind of don't know how to recap "mass graves." I say we hit post.

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Did DiCaprio just say "Doctors use...a hacksaw instead of a scalpel to remove an injured leg." A scalpel? For a leg? I mean, I have to say, a hacksaw may not be the most delicate instrument, but using a scalpel to remove a leg is like using nail clippers to cut a mohawk.

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Your introduction made me very happy. I don't know who knit-cap guy is either.

On a less positive note, I have to wonder... Are people only calling in because they hope to talk to a celebrity? If so, are they calling, hanging up, and then calling again until they get a celebrity on the line? (Because, surely, they must have some non-celebs manning the phones. There simply aren't enough celebs around, are there?)

I hate to put my lack of faith in my fellow humans out on display like this, but the thought will not leave my brain.

Judging from Reese Witherspoon's, uh, awkward conversation with a donor, I'm guessing they get an operator first and then get a celebrity after they've already donated.

I turned on the TV when I saw your post, and I cried the whole time. Turned the TV off now. I don't know if I can do this all night, but I'll read your recaps and turn it back on a little later. Thanks for doing this.

I have rarely heard anyone so out of tune as Alicia Keys. I had to change the channel.

OMG for realz? The idea of Jack Nicholson on a telephone is....well, hilarious! I've already given, but I kind of want to call....this answers my question of how they expected to raise money with this thing!

Awww, John Stewart is talking now...

I'm not up to watching this; I've had enough trying to talk sense in places where people are still just 'why the fuck should we help them?' and I just can't deal anymore. If I watch this I will be in fucking tears all night. Which is good and right, but I'm tired as hell and I have a bottle of whiskey and need some selfish time.

I hope they make a metric shit ton of money tonight.

i won't be able to watch this, i know, but i've made sure to donate to unicef a couple of times this week and appreciate you liveblogging it

it's good to see people coming together to help others

I called in, got no celeb and was a bit disappointed, but seriously, for every one celebrity they have on stage, they probably have about 100 volunteers crammed in a sweaty backroom somewhere, doing major gruntwork. I hope they make alot!

I've decided not to watch. I donated what I could, but I just can't take any more sad montages. Chicago media had their telethon all day yesterday and ....yeah I think I've got charity burnout.

Thanks for doing this. I don't have cable (and never set up antenna/whatever for basic channels) so it's nice to kind of vicariously watch it.

If they really want to rake in the money, they should get RPattz and Wolfboy in there. Seriously, use the TwInsanity for the force of good! Those fangirls would KEEP DONATING until they got one of them on the phone.

Now THERE'S an idea! Use the power of "Twilight" for GOOD . . . I think you just blew my mind!

Y'all, they have really got to run a crawl across the bottom of the screen or something to tell us who's performing and what, because... I don't know. I got old, okay?

Yes! I'm 23 and I don't know who most of these people are! To be fair, I've probably heard the music for a lot of them but I have no idea what their faces look like. I wonder if there was any list available to the public beforehand of who would be playing?

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