The show begins with a sad montage. Yeah... I... I may have to adjust my snarkblogger autopilot here. As a side note, you'll be able to buy any live performance on iTunes as of tomorrow night, so if I mention something you're interested in, you can get hold of it. You know, like all of this won't be on YouTube tomorrow.
Y'all, they have really got to run a crawl across the bottom of the screen or something to tell us who's performing and what, because... I don't know. I got old, okay? Alicia Keys! Yes! Thank you, Twitter! She is at a piano and it is very nice and very sad. Then the song is done and she bows her head and I'm momentarily surprised when there's no applause because, you know, there's no studio audience. And then suddenly where there once were shadows GEORGE CLOONEY IS THERE, AHHHH that was kind of scary. "WHY." I DON'T KNOW, GEORGE! I DON'T KNOW! He's speeching and that's great and then they pan across the Celebrity Phone Bank of Celebrities and Phones and I'm sorry, seeing Daniel Day-Lewis just cracks me up so bad. Like, he should be in a Dell tech call center learning how to do this all Method and shit. Bless.
WHO IS THIS I AM OLD! It sounds like Coldplay! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS HARD FOR ME! Okay, that has to be Chris Martin's voice, it has to be. This whole "I just walked off the street in my knit cap" thing is not helping, Mr. Paltrow. This is London, by the way. Clooney's in New York. I'm not sure where we are now--wait, Los Angeles, thank you for telling me that. Halle Berry (sober neutrals, scarf) is talking about a boy who wasn't rescued for eight days, and I would like to point out right here that @BreakingNews posts like three or four news stories a day of people who are only just now being rescued. Yeah. That's pretty much why we're here tonight. It's still that bad.
BRUUUUUUUUUUUCE. "A small prayer for Haiti," he says, and goes into "We Shall Overcome."
Celebrity Phone Bank: Tobey Maguire (uneasy look into the camera), Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, Mel Gibson, Reese Witherspoon. FOR REAL. Man, I cannot even imagine the conversations they are having right now. Here's Anderson Cooper (grey v-neck), live from Port-au-Prince, because he is hardcore. I... kind of don't know how to recap "mass graves." I say we hit post.