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Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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Oscar liveblog, part 1
yahoo oscars bronze
cleolinda
I haven't been watching the E! coverage, but I am hearing terrifying descriptions of some of these gowns on Twitter. Such as "boob roses" and "breastplate." And something about Mariah Carey probably being vajazzled. (Google it.)

Okay, I've turned it on now. Keanu Reeves has very patchy facial hair. Seacrest mentions that he's been at the Oscars many times and you can actually SEE Keanu nearly laugh in his face, like, YEAH BUT NOT TO WIN ONE! Then Gabourey Sidibe comes up and as they transition from one interview to the next, GABBY KEANU FISTBUMP. She looks great in this dark blue dress with silver leaves, and she is working the shit out of it. "If fashion was porn, then this dress is THE MONEY SHOT." "Work it, girl! Give us a spin!"

O hai, Kristen Stewart looks pretty good in black. Very nice makeup and pulled-back hair, the Fug Girls will be proud. J. Lo has some kind of pale-blush-neutral hip bustle. RDJ has a... teal bowtie? Perhaps there is significance to this. WHAT THE HELL IS SARAH JESSICA PARKER WEARING. Padme. That is what she looks like. Sexy Lakeside Padme in light yellow. Including the giant multibun hair. George Clooney is a bit grey, but an extra inch or two of hair makes him look a lot younger, which is kind of bizarre.

Seacrest carefully hints that there will be someone at this awards show who was perhaps at another awards show this year--you know, I wonder if it's Betty White, because that seems to be a thing now. omg Meryl Streep looks amazing and not in black. It's white! It's perfect. I look up and an adequately tuxed Gerard Butler is talking about mooning people. I don't even know. Hm. Sandra Bullock in a neutral gold, one shoulder, kind of an embroidery/scattered effect on top. Kate Winslet in kind of a taupe/gold neutral, strapless, great pendant necklace--is that going to be the trend this evening, the goldish neutrals?

Over to ABC. Sandra Bullock and Barbara Walters are drinking champagne. Bullock: "... This is lousy." Walters: "This is terrible." "Did Meryl get Cristal, and I got the cheap stuff?" "Oh, Meryl got everything." "To Meryl!" "To Meryl." "Long may she reign."

I have three little 12 oz bottles of Coke for the night, and I have already finished one.

Wow, KATHY IRELAND is really EXCITED, holy SHIT. She is kind of SCARING ME. Jess Cagle with a gaggle of actresses--Anna Kendrick is tiny among the Amazons in pale pink, but it looks really nice on her. Vera Farmiga is taaaaall in pleated magenta. Maggie Gyllenhaal allegedly had the slightest touch of plastic surgery on her cheeks recently, and if she did, it looks really good; she's in sort of a dark blue/black/silver thing; Mo'Nique is in a better-looking dark blue. Penelope Cruz was also there and God help me, I can't remember what she was wearing at all. Jake Gyllenhaal some distance away is also adequately tuxed and rooting for his sister. Bless. 

I am getting really concerned about being able to think fast enough as I type.

"No SURPRISE! Everyone went CRAZY when he walked IN! Zac EFRON, welcome to the red CARPET!" You know, his hair, the spiky mussy thing... it kind of reminds me of someone... I just can't think who.

A flash of dresses as we go to commercial OMG Helen Mirren in pale blue, I want to be Helen Mirren when I am now. Also, Queen Latifah looks fantastic in some kind of mauvish-pink. (You know why I'm really watching this? To get a decent read on what the colors are supposed to be, because I always get them wrong when I see them under stage lights.

Oh... Zoe. Honey. No. 

(Not day-glo blue?)

Wow, Cameron Diaz is in this huge spangly gold strapless dress, it's pretty awesome. And slightly holographic. And her hair looks great! Which it often doesn't! More people coming in as we go to commercial--James Cameron has a Na'vi blue handkerchief in his pocket. Tina Fey is not wearing her glasses! I am chagrined! Black and sparkly and one-shouldered. Here's Miley Cyrus slouching in a pale gold (drink!) strapless gown, although I do love her flower-shaped earrings. A huge roar of cheers behind Kate Winslet: "Wow! that must be George Clooney!" Hey, it's Wolf Boy. He is very fittedly tuxed, and he is THRILLED to be here ("I am THRILLED to be here"). Here is Meryl again, WORKING IT. Lord, it has this '30s kind of drape to it. Also, she sounds a bit thrilled, which after 16 nominations, may indicate more intoxication than eagerness. Get yo drink on, girl!

SHOW STARTING SHOW STARTING HELP


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I've apparently developed Awards Show-related Tourette's and spontaneously burst out with "I LOVE YOU MERYL STREEP" every so often, without warning.

Kathy Ireland's enthusiasm was terrifying. Somewhere between the crazy-eyes and shoving her boobs at people I cringed.

Oh, I love your liveblogs. I just... wanted to share that.

((Work the media training, boy!))

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i don't understaaaaand

It's started, yes? Because none of the livestreams are...playing it? AP nor ABC? Welp, there goes my Oscar-viewin'.

PUT NPH BACK ON THESE TWO SUCK.

I love that you watch award shows so that I don't have to, because I've gotten so burned out on them. (The ONLY nominated thing I care about right now is the "Sherlock Holmes" score. Seriously. Well, and maybe Meryl.) Thanks for taking one for the team.

I STILL LOVE AND CAN'T RESIST THE OSCARS, BUT I AGREE ABOUT THE SCORE, IF THE FANTASTIC SH ONE DOESN'T WIN I'M GOING TO BE SOOO EFFING PISSED! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS LIKE NO FUCKING MUSIC IN "HURT LOCKER," AND THE MUSIC IN AVATAR WAS NOTHING SPECIAL OR UNIQUE...

Wow, Inglorious Basterds, really?

Interesting already!

Everyone knew Christoph Waltz was going to win. He'd already won every award this year so far for the role. :)

Oh, Christoph Waltz's hands were shaking when he left the stage after he won. Such a cool little moment.

I noticed that too! I'd be shaking too!

Oh god, Zoe. I could only see down to her knees at first, and I'm scrolling, "idgi, it's pretty nice-OH MY GOD WHAT." That's...truly unfortunate.

That was my EXACT reaction. It's a very unfortunate dress.

WHAT THE HELL IS SARAH JESSICA PARKER WEARING

I KNOW.

more like WHAT WAS STUFFED IN THAT DRESS? IT LOOKS COOKED ALREADY.

This is my first time following your Liveblog...live. I'm so excited!

Tish Cyrus looks like she should be scantly clad and swinging from a pole...

Ok and Faith Hill looks ROUGH...

After that introduction by Baldwin and Martin, I'm sort of glad they didn't get Sasha Baron Cohen to host. He would have been even more tasteless.

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