Things can only, only, go downhill from here.
Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin descend from the heavens. They introduce each other! Ballots are sent out, and then they are sent in, and then they are tabulated, and then no matter what Meryl Streep is nominated. The most times ever, in fact! Martin: "I prefer to think of it as most losses." In the audience, Meryl is howling. Baldwin: "I know you loved Invictus, because it is about two of your favorite things: rugby, and tensions between blacks and whites." Martin: "There's that damn Helen Mirren." Baldwin: "Steve, that's Dame Helen Mirren." And then there is a Martin/Baldwin/Streep threesome joke. It'll be a while before I unsee that. Martin: "Everyone always says the same two things about Meryl Streep: 'Can that woman act! And what's up with all the Hitler memorabilia?'" Martin: "Gabourey Sidibe and I have two things in common. In our first movies, we were both born a poor black child." A big hand for Woody Harrelson! Baldwin, whispering: "He's SO HIGH!" They put on 3D glasses to peer down at James Cameron. Baldwin: "That cutaway of James Cameron has already earned three million dollars." And then the animated seed jellyfish come floating down around them. In the audience, Sam Worthington is not amused. A big hand for Kathryn Bigelow! A joke about a timer and a Toyota that I assume has something to do with The Hurt Locker! Big hand for Christoph Waltz, who played a Nazi hunting Jews! Martin indicates the audience: "The motherlode!" I'm not sure why Alec Baldwin keeps using a plummy faux-villain British accent, but okay. There seems to be an ongoing joke about Baldwin and Clooney glaring at each other, IDK. That isn't the whole duologue, but it's the best I could do. Look it up on YouTube tomorrow. Or maybe five minutes from now, who knows.
Okay, here's Penelope Cruz in wine red, and she does look good. Best Supporting Actor!
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
* Matt Damon in "Invictus" (Warner Bros.)
* Woody Harrelson in "The Messenger" (Oscilloscope Laboratories)
* Christopher Plummer in "The Last Station" (Sony Pictures Classics)
* Stanley Tucci in "The Lovely Bones" (DreamWorks in association with Film4, Distributed by Paramount)
* Christoph Waltz in "Inglourious Basterds" (The Weinstein Company)
Riots in the streets? Riots in the streets? Christoph Waltz! Peace has been preserved! "Oscar and Penelope, that is an überbingo." He thanks many, many people by name. I am very happy for him, but I don't know that it'll go down in the annals of great speeches. "This is your welcoming embrace, and there is no way I can ever thank you enough. But I can start now. Thank you! Thank you!" Okay, that ended well.
Please welcome! Ryan Reynolds! (foresthouse, where you at?) Here's here to present from a platform in the audience: a clip from The Blind Side, because he was in The Proposal with Sandra Bullock, get it? "It's a movie... that sneaks up on you," he hiss-whispers. This sounds a bit ominous.
Commercial break! POST.