@queenanthai: @cleolinda And cue the 30 people who will insist you make that a fanfic.
Oh hey! They actually have Icelandic epics translated online.
THE THIRD SONG OF THE SPARKLINGASÖGUR
How the Bronze-Hair was the easier victorious for the Saga never doubting victory.
EDWARD CULLEN was a mighty sparklepire, and of the greatest fangirls; and now he heard that Victoria, That One Vampire Who Demanded Vengeance For Her Slain Lover, Even Though He Was A Severe Asshole, And I Don't Really Know What Else She Expected To Happen When He Kidnapped The Tasty Beloved, Yea, To Torture And To Eat Her, had got her gone from South America, where Edward the Bronze-Hair spent the Second Song of the Saga looking for her even though that totally wasn't where she was because he kind of sucks at that whole thing, out to the Far Ghetto of Seattle, where she made to raise an army of her own. Supersparklespeedy were his doings thereon; he gave his forests and his mountain-lions into his not-kinsmen's hands, and betook himself to the highest mountain, or at least a pretty high mountain, unto the camp-tent of his beloved, where she made out with the Unthroned Wolf-Chief, but we're not going to dwell on that right now because I don't want to throw the Saga against the wall again; but despite his valiant efforts the Vengeful One followed after, nor was she unaware of his goings.
So gentle Seth the Junior Werewolf betook himself to the Pretty High Mountain a little after Edward, and was fain above all things to slay his foes in battle and free the land from harrying. The vengeful Victoria appeared to wreak her vengeance, vengefully, and thither unto this spot she brought her new lover, Riley the Deceived, with the desire to bring death to all. The Delicious Beloved made to do something stupid and ineffectual with a rock, but the warriors ignored her, because yea, she was always wont to do something stupid, assuming she was even allowed to present herself wakeful at an action scene. And young Seth did not show his strength and thus feigned mortal wound, and Riley the Deceived actually fell for it, because, as was before-sung, he was really, really gullible. And there was great sparkling and battle-dancing while the Aromatic Beloved freaked the hell out, and unto her the Tousled of Hair said, "Look, I told you, everything is going to be just fine, this is going to take five minutes if you will just stay over there and relax," and because the bard of the Saga had small understanding of suspense: lo, it took five minutes, and never was there any danger. The Bronze-Hair did taunt his foe's new boyfriend and drave his enemy's own severed arm upside the Deceived's head, and found it a weapon exceeding good, and thereafter bit off the head of Victoria and spat it out upon the Pretty High Mountain; and gentle Seth did snarfle the boyfriend, and great game this seemed to him who had been half-dead erst. And yea, the Savory Beloved looked thereupon, and in the reader's heart was gladness that she had actually been allowed to bear witness to something interesting happening, rather than hear tell the tales of men long after.