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Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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So I saw Eclipse
twilight lolcat

We got there early enough to get exactly the seats we wanted, and it was comfortably full. (Keep in mind that it was a 5:45 pm.) I didn't see anyone really out-there, just some really young girls and an intermittently crying baby. I will say, the theater was pleasantly cool when we walked in, but about a third of the way through, my glasses steamed up. And they stayed that way. A roomful of 200 het-up women literally steamed up my glasses. Literally, in the literal sense of literally. I could hardly see the movie. I spent an hour pulling them down and pushing them back up, hoping that would help.

So. Anyway. I have to give Eclipse a lot of credit, because:

1) I've always appreciated what Melissa Rosenberg has done with these movies as a screenwriter, but she goes ABOVE AND BEYOND in this one. The deftness with which she leaps over various episodes of fuckwittery is breathtaking. As much stupid has been written out of this movie as was humanly possible. Edward still disables Bella's truck, and Jacob still force-kisses Bella, and Bella's still like "I LOVE EDWARD MORE BUT MAKE OUT WITH ME ANYWAY JACOB," but all the other stupid has been written out. No Edward bribing Alice to keep Bella occupied, no Charlie congratulating Jacob for being an ass, no Alice whining about having a proper wedding, none of the dueling scent-marking, no bullshit about Wuthering Heights, no sobbing all night after Bella realizes she's been an asshole for two whole books, none of that. And instead of just standing around holding a rock, Bella actually cuts herself with it to distract Victoria, which was such an obvious and logical thing to write in that even as I was reading the book two years ago I was disgusted that Meyer didn't bother to have the Tasty Beloved do it. I am almost willing to forgive the omission of the werenose fistbump for this. 

2) Taylor Lautner's acting is so much better. I mean light years better than in New Moon, although there are still a few moments that he just can't sell. Mostly the smoldering tough-guy glares directed at an actor a foot taller than he is.

3) "Doesn't he own a shirt?"

4) I did really enjoy seeing Edward get all CHIVALRY SMASH over His Woman, because as much as I fuss about the feminist issues, I also get really tired of Book!Edward just wringing his hands in a passive saintly manner. I think it's enjoyable in the movie because Bella is written/played to be more like OKAY WHAT NO BAD RIVALS NO BISCUIT. And the whole difference here is that the movie makes it clearer that the pissing matches are not considered okay. The bursts of machismo function more as fantasy bait rather than societal norms. And maybe this is simply possible because we're seeing it from a cinematic third-person perspective, which allows some critical distance in the way that even a well-written first-person character does not. Who knows.

5) We must have just gotten some bad stills, because Jackson Rathbone's hair actually looks (comparatively) decent. I mean, there are some Grace Kelly moments, but they're not any of his key scenes. However--and maybe this is because this is the first movie that Jasper's been allowed to speak two lines in a row--he has come down with a bad case of the Foghorn Leghorns. The Sookehs, if you will. Maybe you won't notice this if you're not Southern. All I know is, after two hours of listening to it--and Rathbone is great otherwise--my own accent went all to hell, much the way it does after watching True Blood.

(Don't you dare spoil me, I'm two episodes behind.)

6) The Vengeful Bride Rosalie flashback is awesome, in no small part because Howard Shore, intentionally or not, borrows a little here from his own score for The Silence of the Lambs, which, if anyone would recognize, I would, because, as previously noted, that is one of my all-time favorite movies. The only problem with this scene is that its awesomeness is entirely too brief--although, one might recall Jane Austen's line that "it was a perfect visit, in that it was much too short."

7) Howard Shore, you guys. HOWARD FUCKING LORD OF THE RINGS SHORE. I'm still not over this, either.

8) The filmed version of The Dry-Humping Chapter is hilarious, but that may be because I'm aware of how obsessed the fandom is with ~*THE LEG HITCH*~, so it's hysterical when David Slade actually makes sure he includes a closeup of it. HOT! STEAMY! KNEE-ON-KNEE ACTION!

9) God, that fucking cheese grater ring is still so ugly, you guys. It hurts me in my jewelry-loving heart. I can pull up three better rings without even breaking a sweat.

10) At the end, when Bella tells Edward why she chose him over Jacob, she tells him that she's choosing who she really is, because she's not really all that good at being human and feels like she's meant to be a vampire (a bit Rosenberg has borrowed from Breaking Dawn). YOU GUYS. SHE GIVES HIM THE "I CHOOSE ME" SPEECH. IT WAS ACTUALLY FEMINIST. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

(Okay, I'll take it back: it's almost feminist.)

11) Edward's response: "So... it's not all about me, then?" God, you can practically see Rosenberg grinning at her keyboard.

12) Meanwhile! There is lots of head-punching action and it is pretty awesome. I don't even want to describe it because I've got to save it for That Of Which We Do Not Speak.

P.S. THIS IS A THING THAT REALLY HAPPENED: Elena Kagan Grilled on Critical Judicial Matter of Edward vs. Jacob. 

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Hey I know it was brief, but really, PETER MURPHY as the Cold One. EPIC!

I have just been informed that's who that was. I'd heard vaguely that he would be in it, but didn't realize that was him.

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I have nothing but *love* and INSANE GIGGLES for this entire post.

I'd say, "Stop making me want to see the movie"...but I know I'm gonna go anyway. If only for HOWARD SHORE WTF.

I cannot actually believe Amy, whom I love very much, would ask about Edward vs. Jacob. I mean, sure cut the tension or whatever, but poor Elena looked so uncomfortable. Hell hath no fury like a Republican Edward fan scorned yo.

Amy's AWESOME but.... aaaaawkward...

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Is it still hilariously funny for all the wrong reasons? Because that's what gets me through the movies.

word. I was getting dirty looks for laughing when he sparkles, but i'm sorry, i can't not laugh.

I would be diverted but oh my god did you really just ask Kagan Team Jacob or Team Edward? My faith in politics, nay in humanity is gone forever.

Clearly there is no hope for this world. I wish for death.

I might actually go see this instead of waiting for a download, then. Since it doesn't sound like it won't make me weep in horror.

Aw crap, does this mean I'm going to have to see it because it's actually entertaining?

Yes, you are. I was dragged against my will to see it and even still I have to admit that it was a good movie. I'm as surprised as any of you are, but that was just fantastic.

I have to hand it to Rosenberg for really just kind of servicing the Twihards with a grin and a wink. I genuinely appreciate what she did for this movie.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed TayLau worked on his acting. He does better at the character when he plays Happy!Jacob and HeartBroken!Jacob. Badass!Jacob... not so much.

I'm also so very very glad the Cullens all had lines this movie. Almost substantial lines. The mundanes too.

Am I the only one who missed Jacob's lines "What, does my being half naked bother you?" and --mostly-- "The clouds I can handle, but I can't fight an eclipse." (because Eclipse you see, and...)

I was so relieved they didn't do the "eclipse" line, because that was just way too cheesy for me. Without it, the movie's just pleasantly cheesy.

Honestly, I have to admit I kind of liked it. They cleaned up a lot of the problematic stuff while keeping in what the fangirls really wanted. And there was still plenty of narm though, which is what I came for. My friend who's an actual fan was gagging at the hideousness of that ring.

Personally, I thought the Jasper/Alice practice fight was hotter then any of the make out scenes.

Oh, I also have to mention that I loved Jacob's "I'm hotter than you" line. I mean, it was so easy, but so delightfully meta I had to laugh.

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"Ah say Ah say theyah, ahh yew allraigh?"

I have to say, I really enjoyed it myself. And Rosalie's origin story was totally awesome and I'm so glad David Slade kept it in.

Also, I can't tell you how relieved I was that imprinting was mentioned and then dropped before it could get creepy.

So Quil's imprinting on Claire thing didn't get mentioned, or did they just tone it down?

I went to a midnight showing and I have never see a line so long that wasn't Six Flags, not even for the Half-Blood Prince.
Since I live in Las Vegas, I went to a theater in a casino [naturally] and it was great to see all the tourists ponder loudly why there were 600 12-year-olds and their moms in a ridiculous line on a Tuesday night. I saw it in IMAX with a sold out crowd and it was fantastic. There was actual cheering when Edward got Victoria [which was very real!vampire like, dontcha think?] and a collective, audible WHOA with the first scene of shirtless Jacob. Very good theater experience. I didn't even attempt the concession stand, I heard it was chaos.

The makeup was much better done this time around, even though Kristen's wig was at times helmet-like. Rosalie's face seemed a lot, well, narrower and less wide at the chin/jawline. New Moon Rosalie had an abnormally wide face. I'm sure SOMEONE else must have noticed. And Jasper's hair redeemed itself during his battle instructions. Also his smirk. Team Jasper.

Lastly, HOWARD SHORE OMG. Recurring themes ahoy!
BUT! My favorite song from the soundtrack was nowhere to be heard. Can't win them all I guess.

All in all, I really enjoyed it. And Xavier Samuel isn't the best actor, but he's totally cute.

I can't lie, I (mostly) only went for Xavier Samuel. SO CUTE.

Cleo, I applaud your fortitude so much right now. And I am shaking my head to clear it, because you sound like you like it. Not that you were merely amused. I may be marveling all night. Although the ~saga~ does sound like it grew a sense of humor. Which is impressive.

And that "Bella" and "feminist" are in the same paragraph, in a positive way, is mind boggling.

WHAT is wrong with that senator (how embarrassed her constituents must be right now).

I actually like the movies in the sense that I sit back and marvel, "GOD! This is so much better than the books!" (Well, except that the New Moon story makes me really, really tired.) I'm never going to argue that they're high art, but I do have an affection for them that I don't have for the books.

But notice that I have no problem going after them with a good amount of precision in the 15M things. (I mean, I also did that for Lord of the Rings.) I have no problem saying what's good or what's bad with something, no matter how much I do or don't like it.