Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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Attn: peoples of the internet: Twilight just got creepier. Yes, somehow. tiljaunique has shown up with some trufax that will change EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT BREAKING DAWN. Well, no--actually, it won't, because we all know it's hilarrible, and that's not going anywhere. BUT:

I'm from Argentina, the southernmost country of America. In the south part of the country, in Patagonia, there's a lake called Nahuel Huapi (the H is silent when pronounced), an aboriginal name original from this country. In this lake, there's a leyend of a monster that inhabits the lake, a dinausaurlike monster quite similar to that of Loch Ness. This monster is called "Nahuelito". A quick google or wiki search will tell you about it.

Now tell me, how did an original Argentinian name like Nahuel, also related to a lake monster, end up in a Brazilian vampire-human hybrid boy who is supposed to vouch for a vampire-human hybrid girl named Nessie? I suppose it only means that Meyer is worse at researching than JKR is at maths and her sense of cartography ends in Brazil, because there's nothing more south of it. Three or four countries and about 60º of latitude are nothing whatsoever.

Let me explain to you what we're looking at here, in case you're not grasping the significance of this: at the end of the book, Meyer introduces a half-vampire kid who was conceived and born exactly the way Renesmee was--sparklepire father, human mother--and this is what gets the Cullen family off the Volturi "zomg child vampire now you burn" hook. But because his deadbeat father didn't perform the necessary Vampire Teeth Caesarean, his mother was, uh, presumably torn apart in childbirth, and he's felt horribly guilty ever since. Meeting Bella and Renesmee, however, has made him realize that it wasn't his actual fault, in being born, that his mother died; it was the fault of really substandard vampire medical care. MY POINT IS, if I'm recalling this correctly, that the last we see of him, he's at Chez Sparklepire gazing intently at Bella and/or Renesmee, to the point where I was kind of wondering if he was developing some kind of creepy fixation on Bella, I'm not sure (and I'm not going spelunking in my closet to dig out the book and double-check this)--wait, wait! We have Amazon! I mean Amazon.com, not the Amazon Nahuel wanders in from.

I only just noticed that the cut-off part of this excerpt refers to
how long it will be before Jacob can get with Renesmee.

Let's talk about how perfect Edward is ONE LAST TIME.

So the tale of Nahuel is left on this really weird note, right before Bella and Edward run off to go have sex again unto forever, the end, with this half-vampire kid staring at the female Cullen-Swans. And now, today, we discover that BOTH HALF-VAMPIRE KIDS HAVE SEA MONSTER NAMES. How totally made for each other are these two? He's grown to full teenage maturity, she will grow to full teenage maturity, he never made out with her mom, it's perfect. Except that, no, Jacob has already imprinted on Renesmee, and, as Jacob explained all the way back in New Moon, everyone who gets imprinted on pretty much imprints back because "it's hard to resist that kind of love and devotion." (Yes, I can quote that direct, specific line from memory. That kind of bullshit gets burnt into your brain.) So we have what would be, in any other book, a blatant setup for a future relationship ("he'll have some competition"). Even at the time I gave it the side-eye, it stuck out so weirdly. Do you see what this means? Do you? IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY, YOU GUYS. SHE HAD A PERFECT MATCHING HALF-VAMPIRE SEA-MONSTER LOVE INTEREST FOR RENESMEE! IT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE! IT'S RIGHT THERE! But instead, ~Nessie~ is stuck whether she likes it or not--she doesn't have a choice to like it or not because SHE'S THREE MINUTES OLD--with her mother's ex-boyfriend who delivered her from Bella's bloody mangled body and nearly threw her out the window but instead imprinted on her irrevocably as his soulmate. What the actual fuck.

Look me in the eye. I dare you. Look me in the eye, I double-weredog dare you, and tell me that Stephenie Meyer set it up this way so that she can have a love triangle in a future book that is even more bullshit than Edward/Bella/Jacob, because, as written, Renesmee is pretty much physically incapable of loving anyone other than Jacob, rendering Jacob/Renesmee/Nahuel THE STUPIDEST AND LEAST POINTFUL PLOT DEVELOPMENT THAT EVER HAS HAPPENED OR EVER WILL HAPPEN. And then have Leah meet and imprint on Nahuel three books later just to make sure it gets as stupid as it could possibly stupid. Tell me this is actually going to happen. And then go get a mop, because my brain will have exploded.

If you tell me that guessing this prevents her from wanting to publish it, I will get better.

ETA: Since a fifth book has been threatened, I have now developed a secondary theory about Renesmee deciding that, since Jacob has to be anything she wants him to be (come on! Imprinting is sooooo not necessarily sexual, you guys! That's why it's totes okay to imprint on infants!), she wants him to just be a friend. And thus, Jacob is screwed over by two generations of Swan women in favor of sparklepires.

Meanwhile: 'Breaking Dawn' Casting News: Rami Malek To Play Benjamin. This would be the "young" Egyptian vampire who had the power of never taking any shit from Amun. Also: RV Dealer Challenges Taylor Lautner to Push-Up Contest Following Lawsuit. As you do.

Actual non-Twilight linkspam:

JK Rowling donates $15.4 million for MS center; 'Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows' EXCLUSIVE Still: Is This Grimmauld Place?

Two New Voyage of the Dawn Treader Images.

@kitalita: MAC Cosmetics Disney Villains line features Cruella and Maleficent makeup, holy shit, I want, I need. http://bit.ly/cTVu9P

Liebesman Confirmed for Clash of the Titans 2. 

@maureenjohnson: @cleolinda Did you just say "Clash of the Titans 2"? I'm sure I imagined that.

@cleolinda: @maureenjohnson I'm sure they can find some titans with something else to clash over. Maybe Zeus ate Poseidon's CLEARLY MARKED yogurt.

EXCLUSIVE: 'Never Let Me Go' Clip Kicks Off Day Two Of Fall Preview Week. 

New Clip From Ben Affleck's The Town.

New Secretariat Poster Revealed.

Hayden Christensen Versus Wendigo in The Cold.

'Ghostbusters 3' News: Rick Moranis May Return Along With Another Familiar Character.

'Hellraiser' Remake Stuck in Development Hell.

And finally: James Cameron to Piranha 3D: You Suck; EXCLUSIVE: Piranha 3D Producer Rips James Cameron: ‘Jim, Are You Kidding or What?’ 

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I'm on the fence about Ghostbusters, to be honest. If it's ruined I will cry. :(

A COTT2? Jesus. Mary and Joseph. Are they that desperate for money?

(Deleted comment)

...tell me that Stephenie Meyer set it up this way so that she can have a love triangle in a future book that is even more bullshit than Edward/Bella/Jacob...


Seriously, this woman's gonna end up milking the cow more than Cassandra Clare, George Lucas and the creators on 2 1/2 Men put together! Get into your bomb shelter and save yourself Cleo!

I really hope you're giving SMeyer too much credit...

Well, I was also certain that Angela (who had a boyfriend) would meet Jacob at the wedding and he would imprint on her "for maximum angst," so...

I am scared for the future.

I've been suspecting the Nessie/Nahuel/Jacob love triangle since Breaking Dawn, but I never considered Leah would imprint on Nahuel. It seems way too plausible, now that you say it.


The Leah thing actually occurred to me as I was typing. It kind of frightened me, how suddenly it fit into place.

I thought the "he'll have competition" thing was really weird, because in any other book that would have been a flashing red light, but them both having sea monster names is like a red flag on top of that red light. I mean, maybe it's just supposed to underline that they're the same, genetically speaking. I just... I fear.

ETA: The other thing was, Lean moans and groans that she's "a genetic dead end" because female werewolves can't bear children any more than female vampires can. We've already seen that vampires impregnating human women is... ill-advised at best. These are two people who can't/shouldn't have children. So we'll just put them together so no one else's procreational abilities are wasted! That was the train of logic I got run over by.

Edited at 2010-08-31 08:56 pm (UTC)

I swear, that book passage with them planning to hand their daughter off to her psuedo-older brother/replacement father figure, is still so fucking creepy, I can feel myself shuddering. I want the film scripts to leak so badly. I cannot even imagine how they're writing their way out of this. It's like the imprinting itself wasn't QUITE creepy enough, so they have to have other characters validate it, giving us even MORE opportunities to think of the implications and be horrified.

But yeah, I think she was clearly setting up a love triangle with Nessie/Jacob/Nahuel. Only who on earth could've guessed that people would hate Nessie and find her creepy! Imagine that.

Edward is THE WORST FATHER EVER. Oh my God. I can't even believe it was BELLA who tried to kill Jacob when she found out. Edward should have been over at Charlie's trying to borrow his shotgun. "Well, she could do worse." Yeah, worse than the guy who made out with your wife, but now has decided he's meant for your baby daughter. GODDAMN.

Oh god someone, anyone please, take any and all writing implements away from SMeyer, no pens, no paper, no computers. PLEASE don't let her write that.

She's going write it and release it in 2012 to go with the second Breaking Dawn movie isn't she?

release it in 2012

And suddenly we all understand how the world will end...

to my great embarassment i must admit i've read the books and



I will give them this: they need warm bodies on screen to fill out the two dozen or so "witnesses." Also, the more people who have names and a couple of lines of dialogue, the more character merchandise they can sell.

Meanwhile, getting in on a Twilight movie is a great career move for a young/foreign/character/B-list/whichever actor, if only because an entirely new audience will pay an inordinate amount of attention to you that you very likely might not have gotten otherwise. It's a win for everyone involved. So I understand why they're all doing it.

I am amused that this asshattery is juxtaposed with the awesome that is JKR.

Don't think I didn't do that on purpose.

Piranha 3D: OH SNAP.

My brain broke somewhere around the dueling sea monster names.

(I'm reading Deerskin by Robin McKinley right now, and the creepy is resonating so hard.)

Maybe magical half-vampires are immune to the effects of being imprinted on, and, say, Nessie and Nahuel run off together, summon some elder gods, and then proceed to live in happy non-creepy bliss in the ruins of Atlantis. (They could liberate the other imprinted-on-baby [Claire?] too!)

I mean, there's hope, right?

JESUS. I thought I had... well, not exactly made my peace with, but had at least come to terms with the fuckwittery creepiness of the situation long ago. But now that you mention Deerskin...


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