Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones


Attn: peoples of the internet: Twilight just got creepier. Yes, somehow. tiljaunique has shown up with some trufax that will change EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT BREAKING DAWN. Well, no--actually, it won't, because we all know it's hilarrible, and that's not going anywhere. BUT:

I'm from Argentina, the southernmost country of America. In the south part of the country, in Patagonia, there's a lake called Nahuel Huapi (the H is silent when pronounced), an aboriginal name original from this country. In this lake, there's a leyend of a monster that inhabits the lake, a dinausaurlike monster quite similar to that of Loch Ness. This monster is called "Nahuelito". A quick google or wiki search will tell you about it.

Now tell me, how did an original Argentinian name like Nahuel, also related to a lake monster, end up in a Brazilian vampire-human hybrid boy who is supposed to vouch for a vampire-human hybrid girl named Nessie? I suppose it only means that Meyer is worse at researching than JKR is at maths and her sense of cartography ends in Brazil, because there's nothing more south of it. Three or four countries and about 60º of latitude are nothing whatsoever.

Let me explain to you what we're looking at here, in case you're not grasping the significance of this: at the end of the book, Meyer introduces a half-vampire kid who was conceived and born exactly the way Renesmee was--sparklepire father, human mother--and this is what gets the Cullen family off the Volturi "zomg child vampire now you burn" hook. But because his deadbeat father didn't perform the necessary Vampire Teeth Caesarean, his mother was, uh, presumably torn apart in childbirth, and he's felt horribly guilty ever since. Meeting Bella and Renesmee, however, has made him realize that it wasn't his actual fault, in being born, that his mother died; it was the fault of really substandard vampire medical care. MY POINT IS, if I'm recalling this correctly, that the last we see of him, he's at Chez Sparklepire gazing intently at Bella and/or Renesmee, to the point where I was kind of wondering if he was developing some kind of creepy fixation on Bella, I'm not sure (and I'm not going spelunking in my closet to dig out the book and double-check this)--wait, wait! We have Amazon! I mean, not the Amazon Nahuel wanders in from.

I only just noticed that the cut-off part of this excerpt refers to
how long it will be before Jacob can get with Renesmee.

Let's talk about how perfect Edward is ONE LAST TIME.

So the tale of Nahuel is left on this really weird note, right before Bella and Edward run off to go have sex again unto forever, the end, with this half-vampire kid staring at the female Cullen-Swans. And now, today, we discover that BOTH HALF-VAMPIRE KIDS HAVE SEA MONSTER NAMES. How totally made for each other are these two? He's grown to full teenage maturity, she will grow to full teenage maturity, he never made out with her mom, it's perfect. Except that, no, Jacob has already imprinted on Renesmee, and, as Jacob explained all the way back in New Moon, everyone who gets imprinted on pretty much imprints back because "it's hard to resist that kind of love and devotion." (Yes, I can quote that direct, specific line from memory. That kind of bullshit gets burnt into your brain.) So we have what would be, in any other book, a blatant setup for a future relationship ("he'll have some competition"). Even at the time I gave it the side-eye, it stuck out so weirdly. Do you see what this means? Do you? IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY, YOU GUYS. SHE HAD A PERFECT MATCHING HALF-VAMPIRE SEA-MONSTER LOVE INTEREST FOR RENESMEE! IT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE! IT'S RIGHT THERE! But instead, ~Nessie~ is stuck whether she likes it or not--she doesn't have a choice to like it or not because SHE'S THREE MINUTES OLD--with her mother's ex-boyfriend who delivered her from Bella's bloody mangled body and nearly threw her out the window but instead imprinted on her irrevocably as his soulmate. What the actual fuck.

Look me in the eye. I dare you. Look me in the eye, I double-weredog dare you, and tell me that Stephenie Meyer set it up this way so that she can have a love triangle in a future book that is even more bullshit than Edward/Bella/Jacob, because, as written, Renesmee is pretty much physically incapable of loving anyone other than Jacob, rendering Jacob/Renesmee/Nahuel THE STUPIDEST AND LEAST POINTFUL PLOT DEVELOPMENT THAT EVER HAS HAPPENED OR EVER WILL HAPPEN. And then have Leah meet and imprint on Nahuel three books later just to make sure it gets as stupid as it could possibly stupid. Tell me this is actually going to happen. And then go get a mop, because my brain will have exploded.

If you tell me that guessing this prevents her from wanting to publish it, I will get better.

ETA: Since a fifth book has been threatened, I have now developed a secondary theory about Renesmee deciding that, since Jacob has to be anything she wants him to be (come on! Imprinting is sooooo not necessarily sexual, you guys! That's why it's totes okay to imprint on infants!), she wants him to just be a friend. And thus, Jacob is screwed over by two generations of Swan women in favor of sparklepires.

Meanwhile: 'Breaking Dawn' Casting News: Rami Malek To Play Benjamin. This would be the "young" Egyptian vampire who had the power of never taking any shit from Amun. Also: RV Dealer Challenges Taylor Lautner to Push-Up Contest Following Lawsuit. As you do.

Actual non-Twilight linkspam:

JK Rowling donates $15.4 million for MS center; 'Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows' EXCLUSIVE Still: Is This Grimmauld Place?

Two New Voyage of the Dawn Treader Images.

@kitalita: MAC Cosmetics Disney Villains line features Cruella and Maleficent makeup, holy shit, I want, I need.

Liebesman Confirmed for Clash of the Titans 2. 

@maureenjohnson: @cleolinda Did you just say "Clash of the Titans 2"? I'm sure I imagined that.

@cleolinda: @maureenjohnson I'm sure they can find some titans with something else to clash over. Maybe Zeus ate Poseidon's CLEARLY MARKED yogurt.

EXCLUSIVE: 'Never Let Me Go' Clip Kicks Off Day Two Of Fall Preview Week. 

New Clip From Ben Affleck's The Town.

New Secretariat Poster Revealed.

Hayden Christensen Versus Wendigo in The Cold.

'Ghostbusters 3' News: Rick Moranis May Return Along With Another Familiar Character.

'Hellraiser' Remake Stuck in Development Hell.

And finally: James Cameron to Piranha 3D: You Suck; EXCLUSIVE: Piranha 3D Producer Rips James Cameron: ‘Jim, Are You Kidding or What?’ 

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Tags: are you kidding me, clash of the titans, disney, fuckery most foul, harry potter, i am not a twilight blogger (sob), makeup, narnia, omfg, this is going to end well, twilight, twitter, wtf
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