I've come in late, but--OMG this is the lamest thing ever: the whole point of the killing spree was to stop Roman from marrying Kate. Abe was trying to help Roman and make Marlena stay with John, so she killed Abe. Then everyone else got killed to cover it up. Then she tried to talk Roman out of marrying Kate, but it didn't work. So she killed Roman. And then she had to keep killing to cover it up. Sami's lost her fool mind and she's still blaming Kate and John, and John is in tears.
Now now Marlena's telling Julie how Doug died. I'm waiting for Julie to go batshit on her. "His death really was the most slow and painful," says Marlena in her half-stoned, half-amused Truth Serum tone. Flashback to Doug's protracted death, and Hope doing her "DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! PLEASE! DADDY!" bit--ah, there goes Julie. "YOU MURDERING BITCH!" she shrieks, and, in that time-honored fashion, takes us out to commercial strangling Marlena. Seriously: it's just not a full day for Julie unless she's strangled someone.
Oh! Oh! Breaking news: I emailed that first paragraph to my mother, and here's her reply:
So lame...... so lame!
It's official: the lameness of this storyline has been ratified by two different generations.
Hospital roof: Jan proposes that they ninja into Marlena's room and kill her. Or something. "If Shawn finds out that I killed his Grandpa Victor... he might get upset with someone." Nicole: "YOU THINK?"
Room of Confessions: The judge offers to let Marlena press charges against Julie ("WHAAAAT?"). Marlena says, in her best housewife tones, "Oh, Julie, I don't blame you! I would have done the same thing in your position, if someone had threatened my happiness. I would have... [Ten-minute laughing jag.] Oh, wait! That's exactly what I did! That's why we're here! Hee hee hee!" The room is not amused.
On to Alice. Marlena: "Belle, honey, I'd like to thank you for lying for me. It actually gave me a little more time than I would have had." Thaaaaaanks, Marlena. Thanks a lot. John executes a truly breathtaking eyebrow-flex. Commercial.
I'm taking bets: The show is going to hook John and Kate up after Marlena's gone. Takers? Anyone?
Chapel of the Holy Hissyfit. Sami and Kate are shrieking at each other, and a grade-A catfight throwdown erupts. Like, the kind you would sell tickets to, that usually involve Jello. Philip and Lucas try to separate them.
Belle wails to Brady that her mother's talking like she's "dead inside."
Marlena explains how Alice's death was Doug's "fault" because Julie told her whatever. You know, because Doug totally stuffed the donut down Alice's throat. Yeah. We go over the buried note at the cemetery ("Stellar... work... as always," she says, looking at Bo and Hope. BWAH).
Flashback to the episode I think I missed, with Marlena telling Alice in the closet that she has no choice, and that she's sane, and that she doesn't want to kill any of those people but she knows exactly what she's doing and she has to. Yeah. Gas chamber ahoy!
Belle approaches her bed. "Aww, honey, I know how hard this is for you," says Marlena. John mutters that there's got to be a reason for all this, because this isn't the real her. "Oh, this is the real me," she says. "This is who you've really been in love with all these years. Do you still love me?" Five bucks says he'll say yes...when we get back.
Brady busts Nicole in the dinosaur suit, which she's ripped off Jan in hopes of escape. Commercial.
Back to confessions. Marlena's like, "Nope, I don't love you, John. Also, I am totally the killer." My bullshit-o-meter is starting to go off for some reason, but... I mean, this is pretty much the way it is. Just seems the lady doth confess too much, is all I'm sayin'. Flashback to Tony's death.
Enter Jan disguised as a nurse to inject "more Truth Serum." Ah, but here's Jan's clever plan: she's going to inject an air bubble, just the way Marlena injected lethal crap into Tony's IV. Seriously, that is pretty smart.
Okay, there was a commercial just now for Passions, boasting "the most explosive event of the year," and then they cut to a stock shot of a cruise ship blowing up. For serious?
Chapel of the Holy Hissyfit. Sami dismisses Lucas and weeps on a pew.
Bo and John stop Crazy Jan from injecting any more "truth serum." Damn, and that was a good idea, too. Shawn's all like, "Uh, you look really familiar..."
Philip returns, having subdued his mother. Belle says that Shawn won't even look at her and that her mother is probably going to die. Shawn storms out past the hugging Belle and Philip, and Hope chases after him. Shawn insists that now he will leave town. Belle overhears and runs back to Philip's arms. You know, I used to like Shawn a lot. Now I just want to thump him. Actually, I want to thump all of them.
John and Kate blame themselves. Then Kate says they're both victims. John says they're not literally dead like the other victims, but both dead inside. More with the "dead inside" stuff.
One more question from Bo, as Nicole hangs around the doorway: "What about Victor?" And... scene.
Previews: Shawn is leaving. Bo harassing Marlena over Victor is going to put her into cardiac arrest. Lucas tells Sami that he is tired of feeling sorry for her and that maybe she should have died in the gas chamber all those years ago OH MY GOD BOOYAH. That's it. That cuts it. I'm having ten thousand of Lucas's babies.