Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones

I have a shame

So I had to go to the DMV to renew my driver's license today, except that it's not a driver's license, it's a driver's permit (it looks exactly the same, except there are two "exception" codes on the back. A: Corrective lenses and Y: Not a license. Oh. You know. That), because I can't drive, because I get panic attacks, because I'm a neurotic loser, so on and so forth. For the last fifteen years, the Alabama Department of Motor Vehicles has peaceably taken my money and renewed it without question. Except... this time. And somehow, going in, I knew they wouldn't renew it. Somehow, I knew.

And it was, in fact, exactly as humiliating as I expected. The guy at the renewal desk was very nice, but utterly confused as to how I had gotten it renewed over and over for fifteen years when the DMV is only supposed to renew a permit once. He did not have an easier time with the idea of a 31-year-old woman only having a permit in the first place. Bless him--he tried to renew it for me anyway, but the computer wouldn't let him, so he pointed around the corner then and directed me to "the state office."

There is nothing labeled "the state office" in that building.

Fortunately, my mother (who was with me, you understand, because I can't drive) shoved me in the direction of the Driver's License and Testing Thereof Office Proper, because that was the only place he could mean. Inside, I found exactly what I expected to find: a grim battleaxe of a DMV employee, because that's pretty much what you have to be to deal with the kind of shenanigans I am sure people try to perpetrate on a daily basis. Actually, there were two of them, and of course the grimmer of the two was the one at the desk. "Why don't you want to just take the driver's test?" "Well... because... I... I can't drive?" This seemed like an airtight, if embarrassing, argument as far as I was concerned. "How old are you?" Sigh. It went on in that vein for about ten (grim) minutes, which I spent in meek contrition. The result was a simple state ID, which is basically all I've ever used my driver's not-license for anyway. On the upside, humiliation cost a smidge less than renewal.

(Here's the weird thing: at the renewal desk, you can only pay with a check, and they tell you not to smile for your picture. In the driver's test office, you can't pay with a check, and they tell you to smile. I don't even know.)

The Grimmer of the Two handed me a driver's manual on the way out. I would have felt humiliated by the implied message of GET OUT OF HERE AND GROW THE FUCK UP, except that I actually wanted one, in hopes of becoming less of a neurotic froot loop, and had been afraid to ask for it. So.

Later this week: bloodwork. I'm afraid of what's going to show up in it, although it's on the order of my psych doctor, basically to rule out a few things, not omg you have all the cancers. I'm still afraid of what might turn up. Like, you know, full-blown diabetes, which runs in the family and I'm at risk for. I mean, obviously, whatever turns up is something I already have, not something the bloodwork bestows upon me, so just refusing to find out isn't going to help. However, I also have a deep fear of needles--not blood, ironically; if something happens and blood has to be cleaned up, I'm your man. No, I'm afraid of actually getting punctured by a needle, because when I was four years old, I ended up in the hospital with flu-induced dehydration, which was scary enough, but back in 1982 or thereabouts, they didn't have nice IV things that (I am told) close up the opening when they're removed. No, I'm four years old, and I've got a giant, gaping, bloody wound in my arm--like, a freaking hole, and it hurts, and there's blood everywhere, and also, I'm four, and I am NOT HAPPY. So. I don't like needles. I don't, for that matter, like open wounds, wounds that are not open now but somewhat recently were, or fresh stitches. I don't like them, okay? I DON'T. So when my sister managed to cut off part of her thumb two weekends ago (yeah, I don't think I mentioned that)--I wasn't there, but I could have cleaned up after her. But I get the full-body shudders thinking about what's under the bandage.

So. Bloodwork. Later this week.

P.S. No one can ever find my veins.

But so help me God, I have a state ID, which is good because I need a drink.

Meanwhile: The weekend's discussion of character deaths and your feelings thereunto was very good, and our querent wishes me to pass on to y'all that it helped a lot. Also, my inbox is on fire.


Colbert, Stewart plan rival rallies on National Mall.

Terry Pratchett makes his own magic sword with meteoric iron. 

BPAL Limited Edition scents available at the WeHo Book Fair & NYCC.

4chan Attack Brings Down MPAA Website [The Internets].

Scalzi, Wheaton, friends do DRM-free ebook to benefit Lupus foundation. You can get it at "The stories in the chapbook are each based on an image created by artist Jeff Zugale at the direction of Scalzi, in which Scalzi, portrayed as an axe-wielding orc, is confronted by Wheaton, who is wearing a clown sweater and holding a spear whilst astride a flying unicorn pegasus kitten." As you do.

'The King's Speech' Takes Top Prize at the Toronto International Film Festival. 

'Rabbit Hole' is Flawless; Nicole Kidman at Her Best (TIFF 2010 Review).

Mark Reads 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince': Chapter 15. Oh my God, Ginny haters! IT'S LIKE A TIME MACHINE. (Don't spoil him! REFERENCES TO HOW THE SHIP WARS TURNED OUT ARE SPOILERS.)

New Harry Potter Pics; UK Quad Debut for Let Me InFirst Official Pics of Bale and Wahlberg in 'The Fighter'; Have Some 'Due Date' Posters; Full Gallery for Zack Snyder's Legend of the Guardians; Paranormal Activity 2 One-Sheet, Call for "Demand It." A sequel that can't possibly live up to the surprise-hit movie! DEMAND IT.

New clip from Never Let Me Go. 

Burton Finds His 'Frankenweenie' Cast.

"James Franco offers a thoughtful analysis of 'The Twilight Saga.' Yeah, he's peeved about the tame sex scene too"; Nutty Twilight Fan Blows $60K To Hang Out On Breaking Dawn Set; Robert Pattinson’s Hair Snagged by 'The Buried Life' Cast. Whatever, you guys, stealing Robert Pattinson's hair is soooooo five minutes ago. All the cool kids are stealing hair off MTV reality show people. You want to be one of the cool kids, don't you?

Elle Fanning And Kyle Chandler Cast In J.J. Abrams' 'Super 8'; Set Pics from J.J. Abrams' Super 8; J.J. Abrams Shopping Michael Emerson and Terry O'Quinn Project. DOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

Guillermo del Toro Turned Down New 'Superman' Movie?

PTA's Thinly-Veiled Scientology Movie Might Not Be Happening.

'Robin Hood' Star Kevin Durand Has Heard Sequel 'Rumblings.' OH WELL WILL IT NOT BE A PREQUEL THIS TIME? DAMN. I am possibly the only person on this journal right now who saw that movie, and the more I think about it, the more I WANT MY MONEY BACK. They tried to get King John to sign the Magna Carta (!) and he SET IT ON FIRE and then, THEN, THEN they went to hide out in Sherwood Forest in THE LAST THIRTY SECONDS OF THE MOVIE. Before that the movie was all about the Crusades and pretending to be Cate Blanchett's husband because it suddenly went all Martin Guerre up in there and the Sheriff of Nottingham did NOTHING and then there was A BATTLE ON THE BEACH because WHAT? BEACH? JUST MAKE YOUR GODDAMN MOVIE ABOUT A GODDAMN GUY COMING BACK FROM THE CRUSADES AND DON'T CALL IT "ROBIN HOOD," GODDAMN.

Kate Beckinsale Joining Wahlberg in Contraband.

Keanu Reeves Pitches 'Bill & Ted' Sequel ... oh, man, a sequel, come on, that's so done, who cares about Bill & Ted now, that would be pathetic, no one wants to... With Werner Herzog Directing! You have my attention.

Check Out a Teaser and Clip from Troll Hunter and what appears to be some kind of picture related to it. "Proving the faux documentary fad is alive, well and circling the world, The Troll Hunter hails from Norway and is about a group of students who uncover a government conspiracy regarding the existence of real trolls."

YahooMovies: What do you think? A 'top-secret' @JustinBieber & Will Smith project is supposedly in the works. You know what kind of day I've had. I don't think you want me to answer this question. 

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Tags: anxiety, bpal, do not want, harry potter, health, lost, movies, phobias, potterdammerung, robin hood, sparkle motion, superman, terry pratchett, tv, twilight
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