Return of Split-Personality Marlena!
Bonnie is reading a book called How to Marry a Millionaire in 90 Days and talking to herself and practicing writing out her future married name like a 12-year-old ("Mrs... Bonnie... Horton..."). Flash to a hideous country-themed wedding where "this filly and this buckaroo" are pronounced husband and wife while Julie thrashes around on the counter bound and gagged. Patrick comes up and tells her to dream on.
Speaking of Julie: Mickey has called Julie and Jennifer to Gran's house to say goodbye to the people they've lost. And... moving on. Kate and Philip. Kate feels betrayed by her friend/therapist Marlena, who never judged her. Until she killed Kate's husband. There's that. Kate notes that it's going to be even worse for John... and Belle. Scheme, scheme, scheme.
Belle and Shawn. Shawn insists that he will come back, but he can't say when. He adds that, in addition to all the other things he feels bad about, he feels bad about hurting Belle and he just wants time. That's interesting.
Bo badgering Marlena. Marlena remembers seeing Victor's killers. She seems very disoriented. Bo is freaking the hell out because she won't. spit it. out. She seems to be forgetting things now that the serum is wearing off. Bo grabs Nicole and shoves her forward and asks if it was her. Marlena looks at him with this utterly senile look that says nothing so much as, "I like pudding." Commercials.
Belle and Shawn. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Hospital. Flashback to Marlena running into Crazy Jan and Nicole. Marlena "can't quite remember," even though her flashback seems to be having no problems at all. "Nicole's face keeps coming up, but I don't know why." "It's because she's guilty," says Brady. Dude, is Brady Flip-Flop Man or what? Pick a side and stay on it, pal. Commercials--wait! We just had frickin' commercials!
Not!Tuscany. More of the Patrick-Bonnie To Scam or Not to Scam arguing. Bonnie says something about "her May-December romance" and Patrick corrects her with "Oh, it's September for you, Mom." Heart heart heart. Bonnie moves on to badgering him about Jennifer, and he points out that she's a widow pregnant with her dead husband's child. Patrick Lockhart: Voice of Reason. Interestingly, his sister Mimi is just about the only other sane person on this show. Oh, and he's leaving town tonight.
Gran's. Mickey wants to toast the valiant dead (he has brought apple juice for Jennifer). Mickey says they've also lost Marlena. Julie says she hopes Marlena rots in hell, "no matter what her church teaches." Why do I have a feeling that they're going to take this somewhere? The show is so obsessed with its church that I can't believe they'd put a statement like that in there without... aaaaand here's the ghost of Grandma Alice. Yeah. Commercials.
Hey, that is Catherine Zeta-Jones in that melty-guy Elizabeth Arden commercial. Her hair's hanging over her face in this sort of pseudo-bang--she looks very Italian.
Not!Tuscany. Bonnie freaks out that Patrick might leave.
Philip and Kate discuss Shawn and Belle. This is so one of those Let's Recap the Sitch for Those Just Tuning In.
Belle and Shawn. Clinging, restless, clinging, restless. "You're right, Shawn! We have been over this 100 times, and we always end up in the same place!" THANK YOU, BELLE. Shawn tells her that he's being very selfish, but he has to do this for himself right now. He wants to swim in the Lake of Me, yo. One last kiss.
Hospital. Bo's like, "You got some info, Brady?" Flip-Flop Man thinks that Marlena may be fixating on Nicole because she's been told to, and Lexie actually concurs with this. The serum has worn off, and the judge declares that the interrogation is over. Marlena says she'll sign the confession officially "as soon as my husband tells me what I did and why." I can't tell if Marlena's just being unnecessarily cruel or she's gone back into La La Land. Sounds like the latter. Commercials.
Mickey and Jennifer tell Julie that Alice would not want Julie to think anything was her fault. Alice nods mutely behind Julie. Alice tells her that she'll find forgiveness. Julie seems be having a religious moment. So... that whole Forgiveness for Julie storyline is begun and ended in two scenes. Yay. Mickey gives a rousing speech about nothing coming between them. Woot.
Patrick and Bonnie are talking about stealing or not stealing the bearer bonds--wait, what's this about money in Bonnie's account? Oh, wait, I think that's the money she siphoned from Patrick. Bonnie starts shrieking that she wants grandchildren and Jennifer's pregnant ("WITH JACK'S CHILD!"). She doesn't care! She just wants grandchildren of some sort! Anyone's grandchildren! She's not picky!
Exit Patrick. However, he answers a Sinister Phone Call first and says he has one more thing to do. Bonnie, inside: "Oh, no you don't!" Commercials.
Philip and Kate. They recap the catfight that she and Sami had. Philip reminds Kate that Belle is also Marlena's daughter. Kate: "We've been over this before." YES, WE HAVE.
Belle and Shawn. Shawn tries to give his promise ring back, but Belle says just to keep it in his pocket until "their relationship is truly over." I'm reaching the end of my rope, people. I can't recap this shit anymore.
Nicole and Brady snit back and forth.
Marlena can't remember what she confessed to. This time the judge lets John have a moment alone with her. Yeah. This is gonna be fun. "Hey, honey? You said you didn't love me. 'Splain dat." Marlena frantically leafs through her confession--"I said I killed all these people?! Did I say why!?"--and John tells her that she said she still loves Roman. Marlena looks at him as if to say, "My God, that's the lamest motive I've ever heard! Which writer came up with that?" Commercials.
Whoa, was that Bob Saget in the New York Minute commercial? Weird.
Mickey is still speechifying. The phrase "all the days of our lives" is invoked. They toast. Jennifer is the least pregnant-looking pregnant woman ever.
Jennifer's house. Has Jennifer locked up the bearer bonds? Why, no. No, she hasn't. A black-gloved hand reaches out and takes them. Why do I think it's actually Bonnie?
Lexie tells the judge that they could give Marlena more serum, or the answers might emerge on their own (they still want to know about the prison death. Thank you!). Nicole starts scheming.
Marlena is in shock. "I said I killed all those people? Because I loved Roman?" John: "Yup." I kid you not. John walks us back through the confession and the motive and the blah. Marlena can't think why she would lie under truth serum, but she can't figure out why she would say those things, either. John proclaims that Something. Is Not. Adding. Up. Commercials.
Jennifer and Julie arrive at Jennifer's home. Jennifer moves to put the bearer bonds up and OH MY GOD THEY'RE GONE! Outside, Patrick pulls his shit together and leaves.
Philip and Kate. Her coffee "tastes like ashes." Kate says Lucas is as good as dead if he stays with Sami. Dude, Sami's a drama queen, not an axe murderer. Get a grip. Philip refuses to take advantage of Belle... and then says he'll go to check up on Belle. Seriously, I don't think Philip needs to be told to move on Belle.
Shawn and Belle. They love each other. He has to go. They will be together someday. I start trying to pry my hermetically-sealed window open, since it's on the second story of the house and I would probably die if I leapt out. I mean, it's not really high enough to be painful, but it would be better than this. Philip calls Belle, Belle says she needs him, JUST DO IT ALREADY.
Hospital. Marlena is back in her orange jail jammies. She signs the confession despite her misgivings. John rasps that he loves her, and Marlena says she loves him. Seriously, what is with this split personality shit? John tells Brady that something isn't right. John says he'll be damned if he'll let Marlena die in prison.
Speaking of! Nicole visits Crystal again. She repeats her offer to get Crystal out and put her on easy street if Crystal finishes the job. I still want to know how the fight happened the first time, because it seemed to start over something completely random.
Preview: Shawn tells Hope that Belle "is history." The prisoners start to whup up on Marlena "for Tina!," and Marlena says, "You're going to wish you hadn't done that." Uh-oh. Crazy Marlena seems to be coming back. Also, another overwrought Friends promo: people, it's the finale of a show we liked for several years. It's not a freakin' death in the family. Everybody chill, dammit.