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Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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The persistence of phlegmery
twilight lolcat
cleolinda
The interesting thing about the Death Blarg is that it's so variable from day to day that it's hard to quantify whether I feel "better" or "worse." On any given day, I might have fever, chills, a sore throat, a raspy cough, no voice, congestion, sneezing, and/or a miserably runny nose--but never all of them at once, and each day one symptom is worse than the others. Like a little teacher's pet spotlight. "Today the Lucky Duck is Hoarse Wheeze!" So better is a matter of personal preference rather than objective judgment. Today it's everything but congestion and the runny nose, and I think I like that combination better, but I'm not sure. It made for an interesting phone interview, that's for sure (quotes for a Geek Out column on Dawn Treader that'll go up on Monday). Sadly, I think I might actually have to wait a little while to see the movie itself, because right now I'd either cough through the whole thing or infect everyone. With great phlegm comes great responsibility.

I mention this in part to explain my posting schedule for Varney, which is: I don't have one. Whenever I've got a 2000-2500 word stretch finished, I'll post it. Our family doctor says that the blarg could persist for four weeks, so I'm just going to put up whatever I have whenever I have it. On the other hand, I'm hoping I can stick to the Secret Life schedule through at least the rest of the month. We may get to a point where I have to stop and take a break to plan out the next few entries. Bear with me, is what I'm saying.

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Please, spay and neuter your vampires.

You win pretty much everything ever.

An entire chapter about matches. Ye gods.

We shall continue to hope for the disappearance of the Death Blarg. Don't mind us; you just focus on getting better and not collapsing on top of Lizzie only to wake up with keyboard imprints on your face.

In Saxony, Germany the preferred method of dealing with a vampire was to stuff a lemon in it's mouth.

So there is a citrus fruit/vampire slaying connection, I guess.

I hope he's the first to get eaten.

Mr. Dr. Chillingworth is going to be the guy who does the "Let me just take down all the garlic that's protecting you and open the window to let some air in" thing, isn't he?


One of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, Carpe Jugulum, is all about vampires, and the various methods by which they can be defeated. I always suspected that he had made up "Putting the lemon in it's mouth and cutting off it's head" - yet again a random piece of Discworld comes from the real world!

So now I'm wondering about the poppy seeds and the missing sock - the vampire will be overcome by a compulsion to count the poppy seeds, and they are very meticulous so if you steal a single sock they will be incapable of doing anything else until they have hunted it down. Any idea if these are real methods of dealing with the befanged menace?

Okay, you just made me laugh so hard I woke my brother up.

"where even sword-canes fear to pimp."
I lol'ed, but also the linguistics nerd in me loves this and I don't even know exactly why.

Feel better Cleo!

And my inner nerd also loves

the title of this entry. Awesome.

I'm loving this so much. Also, I have linked to it on my blog.

Oh my gosh, is Twilight an unwitting tribute to Varney the Vampire? Because the way you're recapping this is exactly how I felt while reading the Twilight.

Observe.

Bella: I love you.
Edward: No, I'm a hideous murderer with no soul!
Bella: But I love you.
Edward: I will never make you into a vampire so that we can share eternity together.
Bella: But I -
Me: SHUT UP ALREADY.

Flora/George: It was a vampyre.
Henry/Mr. Dr. Chillingworth: No, of course not! How could you think that?
Flora/George: Because there were the puncture marks! And the shootings he magically survived! And the moonlight reviving him! And the moose bit his sister!
Henry/Mr. Dr. Chillingworth: What poppycock! How could you -
Me: SHUT UP ALREADY.

However, I have to say I'm thoroughly enjoying/enjoyed your recaps of both.

>>"I can tell you something which bears upon it. I do not know if you are sufficiently aware of my family history to know that this one of my ancestors, I wish I could say worthy ancestors, committed suicide, and was buried in his clothes."
>>

Of course! Because the usual tradition was to bury them buck naked? That was the last comment I got from my girlfriend before she collapsed in hysterical giggles across the streering wheel. What? 80,000 lb truck? Oh, don't mind the one weaving down the road, it's driver laughing hysterically.

Your recaps and many entries result in someone having a case of uncontrollable giggles. I just wish she'd read to me when I was driving.

I don't know if it's a dawn-to-noon thing or what, but sunlight--in the earlier literary tradition--has no particular importance. (Keep that in mind the next time you bag on sparklepires.)

Yes, for that reason I don't mind that Meyer changed the vampire "rules". But for goodness' sake, if you're going to change the rules, don't do it in such a moronic way!

Yeah, I think it's perfectly fair to bag on the rules someone decided to go with--just not that they did it differently, because there's no one standard to do it "differently" from. So it just cracks me up when people complain, "REAL vampires burst into FLAME in the SUN!" Well, actually...

this is completely unrelated...

but have you seen this Annie Lennox video? Pretty cool version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," all zoetrope and Victorian and beautiful-Christmas-yet-slightly-creepy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlsJD8RlhbI

Loving Varney, by the way!

Varney is wonderful! And hopefully all your readers understand that a vampire is for life, not just for Christmas :)

Feel better soon - the Bleergh cannot defeat you!

As someone who took not one, not two, but THREE gothic victorian literature classes in university, I can honestly say this shit is delightful.

Studying Carmilla was a perpetual trial in, "WHAT FRESH FUCKWITTERY IS THIS. KILL IT WITH FIRE."

Hey, man. I will have no besmirching of Carmilla. Knocking its characters' heads together because they are so dumb and/or horny teenagers, perhaps.

Please, spay and neuter your vampires.

I haven't actually read this entry yet, I just wanted to ask you something:

Have you seen How to Train Your Dragon? It's my new favorite movie and I would like to hear your thoughts on it, but I couldn't find a tag for it on your blog.

I never did get to see it, no.

This is wonderful, and an important public service for those of us too lazy to read the book. The commentary makes it awesome, and I have never been so excited to read an entire chapters on matches!

But yeah, serials seem to have a lot of inherent problems. I just read Wieland for class, and even though it's a classic, early-American novel, there's this sub-plot that's introduced and never spoken of again. All these things set up, and than it turned out there wasn't time for all that, so he just left it out.