yendi has written his own recap of Van Helsing, and--I told you I didn't make this stuff up!
The recap. For those of you joining us on the friends list, I started recapping Days of Our Lives for my mother, who is no longer able to catch even half an hour of the show on her lunch hour now that it's been moved to 1 pm. Unfortunately, after I lovingly wrote a multi-page summary, she said, "Uh, could you go back to one of those two-sentence dealies?" Fortunately, other people on my f-list have asked me to keep doing them. I write while the show is on, so it's not the carefully revised and edited funny that Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes is.
Note to new folks: Not that you'll be able to tell from the last two days' entries, but I really do write about things other than entertainment recaps.
Slightly catching up from yesterday: Love Cage: Crazy Jan is clearly fantasizing about Shawn willingly submitting to her advances. Some Bar Somewhere: Runaway Shawn has overheard Nefarious Guy talking about Jennifer's bearer bonds in a Random Country Western Bar. Jennifer's house: The Hortons can't satisfactorily figure out what happened to the bonds--neither Bonnie nor Patrick can be fingered--and Jennifer blames herself for leaving them out on the table like a moron--and trusting Patrick. DUN DUN DUN. Kate tells Philip to sex up Belle. Belle whines to her father about Marlena being in the pokey. Bo is still harping on Victor's death out in the station with Hope. Marlena has gone missing--to the roof, where Crystal is pistol-whipping her to death. A nice tic-tac-toe pattern of red paint has formed on Marlena's forehead. Commercials.
Pokey. Trish, Only the Third Black Person in Salem, comes in, and Bo calls in a jail escape. Seriously, this is the worst-run jail ever. Crystal has managed to sneak Marlena out to the roof, and no one has noticed? And as for Crystal's ruse--"Oh, Marlena, there's a gas leak and they said I could go back in and get you! No, really, they let me have the keys! I swear! No, it's invisible gas, that's why you can't smell it!" If Marlena dies because of this, it'll be because she's been darwinned out of existence. Marlena staggers to the (locked) door, gun in hand and fake blood dripping down her face.
Belle's apartment. Philip tells his mother and her "creepy" obsession with Belle and Philip off. Belle whines to John that she's afraid something's going to happen to Marlena. Well, at the worst-run jail in the world, of course something's going to happen.
Love Cage. Crazy Jan breaks out the riding crop and imagines half-naked Shawn chained to her bed. He mentions Belle and she shrieks, "BAD, NAUGHTY SHAWN!" WHP-CHAAAA!
Some Bar. Shawn runs into Nefarious Guy, but nothing really comes of it.
Jennifer's house. Jennifer weeps over her bad luck in confidantes (Marlena, Patrick...). Phone rings; Patrick answers. It's Shawn--he tells Patrick about Nefarious Guy, but Patrick tells him it's already happened. Patrick tells Shawn not to tell his parents--"they've got other priorities," what with Marlena "escaping" from the worst-run jail in the world--and he'll come and take care of
his compadre Nefarious Guy.
Worst-Run Jail in the World. Officer Sweetums is looking for his keys and gun, and Crystal starts blackmailing him. Trish, Bo, and Hope come by and Crystal improvises that Marlena stole Officer Sweetums' shit and locked them in the cell together. So now Marlena's wandering around the roof, gun in hand, blood in her eyes, while the sirens go off. Seriously, just wipe your prints off the gun and go lie down and pretend you know nothing, dumbass.
Belle's apartment. Mr. Famous Last Words insists to Belle that Marlena is safest in solitary confinement. Then they leaf through a photo album. Kate and Philip are still there, whisper-bickering (whickering?) over the possibilities of Philip sexing up Belle.
Some Bar. Nefarious Guy freaks the hell out over his missing keys and starts smashing things on the bar. Patrick spins him around and tells him to take it outside, and then tells him to cough up the bonds.
Jennifer's house. Julie and Bonnie shriek at each other. Bonnie turns the tables and accuses Julie of stealing the bonds, and tells Julie that Jennifer was clearly Grandma Alice's favorite, and that jealousy green "is not your signachuh coluh." Julie speaks for all of us when she spits, "UnbeLEEEvable!"
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. Crystal starts spinning Mad Marlena fairytales as fast as she can, and Bo issues a shoot-to-kill order. The roof: they actually shoot at Marlena, who is still holding that gun like a complete moron. Crystal may have damaged her brain, quite honestly.
Belle's apartment. Philip and Kate whicker. Belle and John have a heart-to-heart re: Shawn. Philip and Kate overhear and make significant faces at each other.
Some Bar. Patrick kicks Nefarious Guy's ass--or rather, they take turns carefully punching each other, and Patrick gets the last one in--and retrieves the bearer bonds. Then he lets Nefarious Guy run away. Shawn's all like, "Aren't we going to take him in?" Patrick: "Nah, man, it's too late now." Shawn: "It's not too late! He's just now getting on his bike." Patrick: "Dude, that bike is clearly a good ten feet away. We couldn't possibly catch him in the five minutes it'll take him to tear out of here."
Jennifer's house. Bonnie and Julie strangle each other. Another full day for Julie.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. Hope: "If some officer panics and murders Marlena, are you willing to take responsibility for that?" Bo: "Yeah, pretty much." Heh.
Roof of the Worst-Run Jail in the World. Officers shoot at Marlena, who scoots around, ducking and shrieking.
Love Cage. Crazy Jan berates Imaginary Shawn for not behaving. Imaginary Shawn starts behaving ("Oh, yes, Crazy Jan! I want you too! I can't take it anymore!"). Crazy Jan in her crazy asymmetrical black negligée sighs that she knew Shawn really loved her.
Some Bar. Shawn tells Patrick about his plan to Kerouac around the country. "Yeah, I hear that." "Yeah." "Yeah." All v. manly.
Jennifer's house. Julie tells Bonnie that she's pressing charges for assault, said the pot to the kettle.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. Hope and Bo argue about the shoot to kill order.
The Roof of the Worst-Run Jail in the World. They keep shooting at her. Marlena weeps, sobbing that she can't remember why she killed everyone and that she's sorry, God, she's sorry! SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DIIIIIIIE!!!!
Where's that Biggest Twist in Daytime we were promised?
Jennifer's house. Blah blah strangle blah, blee blee charges blee. Enter Patrick with the bonds. Julie accuses him of theft, but Patrick tells them that he can verify his story with Shawn. Some Bar is actually called "The Cheatin' Heart," by the way. That is so awesome.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. Bo and Hope argue.
The Roof of the Worst-Run Jail in the World. Marlena's prayers seem to have at least effected a cease-fire. She whimpers that she loves John and didn't mean whatever she said about really loving Roman under the truth serum, and weeps that she needs him.
Belle's apartment. You know, Kate, if you hook up with John, it's going to make Philip hooking up with Belle really, really icky. Belle: "You know, when we were young and people would say, 'Just wait until you grow up and you have real problems,' I didn't believe them..." Uh, honey... I doubt most people expected your problems to involve your serial-killer mom dodging bullets on the roof of the county lockup.
Love Cage. Crazy Jan pretends to be Mrs. B., aka Crazy Veiled Old Lady Jan from Alice's funeral, and calls Shawn. She needs a big favor. Something along the line of "Come to my isolated country house and submit to my sadomasochistic fantasies." Crazy Old Lady Jan tells Shawn that she heard an intruder. White Knight Shawn, clearly frustrated by not bringing in Nefarious Guy this evening, says, "Uh... sure. I'll come over... I guess."
Some Bar. Nefarious Guy says Nefarious Things about Jennifer Paying the Price on his cell phone.
Jennifer's house. Julie "apologizes" for suspecting the Lockharts. Jennifer is back in unrealized luff with Patrick and says that her reporter instincts tell her to trust Patrick with her life.
Belle's apartment. Heart-to-heart blah, scheming blee.
If the Biggest Twist in Daytime is that this was all a bad dream, I will go batshit on someone.
Hope calls John and tells him that Marlena has escaped--John tells Philip and Kate to not let Belle turn on the TV or the radio. What is this, a sitcom? "NOT THE TV, BELLE!" *pratfall*
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. The FBI won't lend Bo a marksman. Hope starts shouting at Bo: "Do you really want to see Marlena dead?" Hope! Are you even watching the show! Yes, he wants Marlena dead! You can tell by the way he keeps saying, "I want Marlena dead"!
The Roof of the Worst-Run Jail in the World. Marlena lifts her hands in surrender and is promptly shot.
Previews: Bo and John fight over letting John go up to Marlena. Lucas asks Sami to give love a chance. (Yeah, and you better hurry on that one, before she finds out about Marlena and loses her fool mind again.) Jennifer shrieks over Patrick's apparently lifeless body.