It's a montage! Everybody loves a montage! Y'all, I refuse to recap this. It's ROBERT DE NIRO. He's not done yet. Unless this is Hollywood trying to tell him that Little Fockers means it's time to go home, I don't know. Standing ovation! Wow, he seems to be reading his speech off a teleprompter (he makes some reference to it getting ahead of him and makes a scrolling motion with his hand?). Well, you get the DeMille, I guess you get to do that. Oh dear. I heard something about waiters, Javier Bardem, and full-body scans of Megan Fox. Unless they all walk into a bar together, I don't want to know how that ends. Something just got bleeped out? I'm not sure what? He's selling DVDs in the lobby? I would kind of love if he had written this out in advance. Also, "you do what you can for the children. You want to keep them in the private schools. Thank you for this!"
Omg I've been going for like two and a half hours. Send my fingers help.
What... what in the name of God was that. That movie commercial. With the garden gnomes. Like. I knew. I knew they were making Gnomeo and Juliet, because it went into turnaround for a while. But... that. What.
Please welcome! Megan Fox! Presumably back from her body scan! "WOO!" She grins and kind of does a head dip. I like her dress, which is pink. I'm not a fan in general, but I ain't gonna lie, either. She's presenting! A clip from! The Tourist? Why, because she bears a slight resemblance to Angelina Jolie? I don't know.
Please welcome! Annette Bening again! "WOO!"
Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan
David Fincher, The Social Network
Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
Christopher Nolan, Inception
David O. Russell, The Fighter
David Fincher! "WOOOOOO!" Man, I love him. I mean, just in general. Also, I just realized that he is accepting this award in front of, like... a spiderweb studded with chandelier crystals. I noticed this right after they cut to Andrew Garfield. I'm just saying.
Please welcome! Jimmy Fallon and January Jones! She is wearing a fire-engine red dress that is doing unfortunate things to her boobs from many different angles.
Best TV Series — Musical or Comedy
The Big Bang Theory
The Big C
Winner: Glee. I feel bad saying this, but I just can't watch Glee. I've tried, but the musical style is just... elevator music with words. I mean, I appreicate what they're trying to do; it just doesn't work for me. The Guy Speaking for the Group thanks the public school teachers of America, who are doing very important work, and K BYE SAD VIOLINS NOW.
Please welcome! Alicia Keys! In billowing one-shouldered red! I am guessing she is pregnant! She is here to present a clip from Black Swan, which I REALLY WANT TO SEE. Seriously, this is one of those years where almost anything could win and it would still deserve it. AND YET I HAVE SEEN ALMOST NONE OF THEM.
Please welcome! Halle Berry in black! Because believe me, the audience is welcoming her. "oooooWOOOOoooo."
Best Actor — Musical or Comedy
Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland
Johnny Depp, The Tourist
Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version
Jake Gyllenhaal, Love and Other Drugs
Kevin Spacey, Casino Jack
OH SNAP Paul Giamatti beats out Johnny Depp and Johnny Depp. The sound cuts out, and then I hear, "I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the Godiva chocolates." And "I had three wives in this movie... yeah, three wives. A trifecta of hotties. I got to smoke and drink, I got paid for it..." Johnny Depp smiles beneficently. "I salute the great nation of Canada!" Yes, but how are their chocolates? And do you have any left over? My fingers are starting to hurt. Oh, what the hell, let's hit post.