Also please welcome! The Dude!
Best Actress — Drama
Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine
Big cheers for Natalie Portman and Michelle Williams, which is interesting. Portman wins, and someone near the camera (Mila Kunis?) starts shrieking. Huh. That's a red sequin rose, complete with stem and leaves, in the center of her pink bedsheet gown. Oh, why not. You're pregnant, you get to wear whatever you want. She says hi to her Grandma Bernice, "and I hope you're having a drink." Aw. She's--what? Talking about how her fiancé is a good actor because he really does want to sleep with her? WELL, OBVIOUSLY.
Please welcome, to paraphrase Ricky Gervais: The incredibly talented, rich and powerful Tom Hanks! And also, Tim Allen. Hanks remembers when Gervais "was a slightly chubby and very nice comedian." Allen: "Neither of which he is now." Look, people, Ricky Gervais is rude. I don't even like him, but that's his schtick. They hired him to be rude. You want to complain--and, granted, it is odd to have the rudest host at the ass-kissingest awards show--take it up with them what hired him. Because he's being pretty horrible, but this is also his second year doing it, so he's clearly been given a vote of confidence on the nastiness.
If they have a different host next year, though, I'm pretty sure you'll know who to thank.
Best Picture — Musical or Comedy
Alice in Wonderland
The Kids Are All Right
Big cheers for The Kids Are All Right! And thank God, because Burlesque? Seriously?
When we return, the room sounds restless and slightly angry; I have no idea what Gervais has been up there saying. Please welcome! Sandra Bullock! In one-shoulder beige and too-long bangs! She will totally not see Vanessa Williams coming.
Best Actor — Drama
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
James Franco, 127 Hours
Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine
Mark Wahlberg, The Fighter
EEEEEE! Colin Firth! I'm not gonna fight y'all for World's Biggest Colin Firth Fan or anything, but it seems like it would be nice for this to be his year. He thanks his "exquisite, no-nonsense queen Helena," as well as a "triangle of man love" and "Geoffrey, who has become my true friend and my geisha girl." And suddenly, an entire subsection for The King's Speech springs into being on fanfiction.net.
Next: a ~surprise guest~ announces Best Picture. This would probably be more dramatic if I hit post right here.
PLEASE WELCOME! Michael Douglas! Uh. That would have been more surprising if we hadn't seen him and CZJ on the carpet, but I understand what they were going for. Standing ovation! "WOOOOOOOOO!" "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he quips.
Best Picture — Drama
The King’s Speech
The Social Network
Winner: The Social Network. Well, after Screenplay and Director, you had to see that coming. Barring the twists and turns of heavy campaigning, you could be looking at your Oscars right here. Scott Rudin: "I want to thank everyone at Facebook, and Mark Zuckerberg, for letting us use his life to tell a story." Huh. Is this one of those "do now, ask forgiveness later" things? And then he calls Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield up on stage--bless their hearts for not even going up there for the movie they starred in.
Annnnnd back to Gervais one last time: "Well done. Justice there. And thank you for all being good sports"--I was saying something about asking forgiveness later, wasn't I? Enjoy that phone call from Tom Hanks tomorrow--"and thank you to God, for making me an atheist." 'Scuse me while I go ice my hands.