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Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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pallas cat - blue steel
Good news: getting a lot of writing done. Bad news: the last slat fell out of my bed late last night and I had to sleep, for inferior values of "sleep," on the couch. Explanation of bad news: I have an old hand-me-down queen-sized bed (it has appeared in Secret Life pictures a couple of times) that I ended up with after my mother and stepfather got married and merged their furniture. It's great and all, but it has only three, loosely-fitting wooden slats beneath the box spring; they tend to shift diagonally over time until one falls out and onto the floor. Well, me being a lazy cuss, I was like, "What? There's some boxes under the bed, it'll hold." Because wrestling with the various slabs of mattress on that bed is a two-person job, and wahhhhh I don't wanna. Well, here we are seven months later: I'm sleeping on two fallen slats, a packing box, four piles of old magazines and a precariously sunken mattress. Because I rock it classy like that. And then the other shoe--or slat, rather--dropped. Which wouldn't even have stopped me except that the bed was severely tilted towards the headboard and shuddered weirdly when I sat on it. So the couch it was.

I did not sleep very well, is what I'm saying.

Which is pretty much what the couch looked like by the time the dogs had finished piling onto me.

Meanwhile, longtime reader spectralbovine writes,

I'm raising money for 826 Valencia, which provides writing workshops for students from elementary school through high school as well as resources for teachers. They offer one-on-one tutoring for everything from fiction to college application essays. They even publish their work in books, which does wonders for their self-esteem and confidence. They also run the pirate store in the Mission, and I try to support them when I can because I believe in their mission to promote the literary arrrrrrts.

On February 17, 826 Valencia is hosting a Spelling Bee for Cheaters. I am on a fundraising team of LIBRARIANS (Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe), and the more money we raise as a team, the more we can cheat in order to beat such luminaries as Pulitzer Prize-winner Michael Chabon and the inimitable Lemony Snicket, not to mention Adam Savage from Mythbusters, John Vanderslice, and Tracy Chapman. Of course, the real reason we're raising money is to benefit the children. Every little bit, from $1 to $100, helps keep these programs free for students. It's a great organization and a fun fundraiser that I think would be relevant to your readership! I'm trying to raise $5,000, and I think I can pull it off with everyone's help. Here's my donation page. Thanks!

While you consider this, I have to go assist my mother. She's now under the bed with a hammer. "Your job," she says, "is to call for help."


@cleolinda: I just found a bottle of 1995 cabernet sauvignon under my bed. I HAVE NO IDEA.

There's wine under my bed and you're invited!Collapse )

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Whoa! Mystery booze!

Thanks for promoting my cause! I am past $5,000 now, but I want to get as much as possible to be declared the Top Fundraiser (I have a nemesis who manages to get single donations in the $400 - $800 range, and she's at $4,950, right on my tail. Me, I think a whoooooole lot of smaller donations can top a few big ones.)

If you donate, I will write you a limerick! A donation of $25 or more gets you a hard-to-spell word incorporated into your limerick. I've written limericks about mesothelioma, logorrhea, guerdons, euonyms, and certiorari. None of which Firefox recognizes as a word. Ha.

Please support this great cause! Who knows, maybe the world will repay you with MYSTERY BOOZE.

I don't drink alcohol, so MYSTERY BOOZE is not a good bribe for me, but I'd love a limerick! I donated $5, which I guess gets me one written entirely in monosyllables.


They were going to have a grown-ups night. Yes. They totally, totally were.

I was gonna suggest that one of the Edwards brought it in, but everyone knows that vampires don't drink.....wine. /gary oldman

(feel free to beat me up now)

Actual LOL. Well-played!

Your bed, it has alcohol in it!

Portal to Narnia in armoire: Awesome.
Portal to Vineyard under bed: AWESOMER!

^This! Wine under your bed pretty much makes you the coolest person of all time.

I had a failed painting on a large sheet of plywood that I put under my bed. It did a wonderful job of fixing the problem of falling through. Maybe you can put wood between the slats?

"I'm sorry, sir, did you say you had a . . . leprechaun flute?"

Passed down for thousands of years! From his great grandfather! Who was Irish!

My slat fell out of the bed at the cottage this past year. I ended up on the couch too. It was part of a evil scheme the cottage had to kill me. The slat fell out of my bed, then I fell down the stairs (not seriously wounded), then the AC started giving off this awful smell, then the lamp sparked and smoked and then the blade fell off the fan. It was not a good day.

My parents used to use my bedroom as storage for Things That Don't Fit Elsewhere. I used to have a vacuum in my closet and my dad's SAD light in it's off-season. Now we use my brother's old room for that thing. Was there a wine storage crisis in your past?

Your Bed: Alcohol is in under it!

Probably a wormhole. Somewhere, someone is posting on their Twitter, "Seriously, guys, what is happening to all of my wine?"

first, the wine. That's one lucky life-jackpot for you.

second, WTH? with that Leprechaun video. i don't even noticed What they were looking at.

uprooting the tree to see if there's gold? WHAT??!

I have an IKEA bed obtained from Craigslist (just the wood parts, since used mattresses=icky). It had the fancy kind of slats that are slightly bent and sit in little rubber thingies at the ends.

I also have a pet rabbit, who considers UnderTheBed her warren. She also considers some rubber and plastic tasty treats.

I went WHUMPH in my sleep and slept at about a 10 degree list for several weeks until I could gt back out to ikea for the cheap all-wood bed slat things.

after our bed did that, I just sat the box springs flat on the ground, piled the mattress on top of it and dealt with a bed that was lower than most... The slats bugged me way to much to deal with them...

There's not much under my bed, just monster dust bunnies and squeaky toys that my ferret likes to hide.

Maybe it's another quirk of the building contractor. Newspaper insulation in the walls, mystery booze as a subfloor. Although, from what you've said of your house troubles, rubbing alcohol and mouthwash would be more in line.

oof, used to have that problem all the time with my old bed (IKEA, of course). Came home to find WonderBoyfriend grumbling and sinking a screw into each and every slat (figure about 15 slats, 4 screws each).

Anyhow, when all else fails, one 2x4 down the center and a sheet of plywood over all. Unless you're an aggressive sleeper (I'm told I sleep like an octopus playing soccer) in which case... perhaps a platform bed?