Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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TEAM LAMPJAW
twilight lolcat
cleolinda
No, I don't have anything better to do on a Friday night than sit at home, listen to really old Bryan Adams, and fuck around on Twitter. We've already taken my mother out for her birthday dinner and come back, I don't know what else you want from me.


@Salome: @cleolinda So OF COURSE they have these personalize-your-own vampire books... http://www.bookbyyou.com/teen/default.asp




 
@cleolinda: NO I DO NOT WANT MY CREEPY VAMPIRE STALKER TO BE NAMED "Gristle McThornbody" WHERE MAY I DEMAND A REFUND

@Salome: http://incompetech.com/gallimaufry/mstnames.html  You should see the deep convos he has w/his BFF, Trunk Slamchest.


Re: personalize-your-own-vampire books:

@Maxasaurusrex: I thought that was what Twilight was.

@cleolinda: Yes, but it saves you the trouble of crossing out "Bella" and writing your own name in by hand.

@Maxasaurusrex: Oh, well that's nice of them.


@KiranPeg: Was your creepy vampire stalker a playable character on Oregan Trail before he decided to earn a restraining order from you?

@cleolinda: I don't know, but that might explain why all his oxen have died.


@cleolinda: I think Smash Lampjaw is really more my stalkervamp style. The chiseled good looks and disturbing creeper rage are right there in the name!

@merveille: Look, you simply cannot get any better than Big McLargeHuge.

@cleolinda: That's what she said?


@Salome: I'm also partial to Flint Ironstag. The full preview, btw, is the living end. You two meet when a bookcase falls on your head.

Aw, Howards End is one of my favorite books! Oh, Smash, how did you know?

@Salome: @cleolinda BRB, Mary Sue-ing the werewolf book.

@cleolinda: Oh my God, I can't believe they actually suggest actresses' names.





@Salome: "Are you completely devoid of creativity? Do you need your hand held? Mash the keyboard with your palm."

@cleolinda: OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED THE TRUE PURPOSE OF THIS THING. You pay to have your name put in, and... the male suggestions.







Because this guy's life isn't hard enough. And is Wolfboy even legal yet?

This is not even to speak of the other instructions. Only capitalize the first letter? YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!











@beyondimensions: OMG http://www.bookbyyou.com/hotblooded/default.asp It's even better than the teen ones.

@queenanthai: In Hot Blooded, Doctor Professorman and Fangy McStereotype cross paths in one steamy encounter after another...

CLOSE ENOUGH.


Note: Hot Blooded is a romance featuring two men in the leads. Looking for a vampire tale for a man and woman? Try Vampire Kisses!

I like how they're suddenly suggesting actors who are DEFINITELY OF AGE for the smutty ones. In fact, I'm pretty sure Robert Redford is all of our ages put together these days.


@beyondimensions: You realize a slash with Jacob and Edward is now possible with this book, right? I mean, for someone to have it in hard copy.

@cleolinda: Emphasis on "hard."


Don't think that Bella and Alice are left out in the cold, though.


@cleolinda: Oh my God, this is mortifying. I am totally going to fill it out now.


I honestly I have no idea what it says, because I was too embarrassed to read most of it. Not that this is stopping me from sharing it with you:











BUT THERE'S MORE:

@PBABnet: Pride and Prejudice: Custom Edition - http://www.bookbyyou.com/classic/pride/demo.asp  Somebody finally monetized the Mary Sue concept.

@redcoast: "You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," said Mr. Butts, looking at Miss Boobs McChesty Babooncage.

@scbecker: Wow. The same company has a time-traveling librarian werewolf Sherlock Holmes Jack the Ripper mystery. I'm speechless.


I fully encourage you to mess around with the other book generators, which include but are not limited to Fierce Moon, Pirates of Desire, and Click for Love. Obviously, you have to report back afterwards.



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PS: My "blue gaze"?

Also--

At least it won’t look like him, Salome thought wildly. Whatever kills me will look like the wolf, not Flint.

A) Yeah, because that would be my source of comfort--the fact that the thing that will tear my legs from under me is a wolf and not a man.
B) "Salome thought wildly." THERE'S an understatement.

Because... that's... better? Yay, at least I'm getting eaten in the face by a giant wolf!

I also liked the part where I'm like, "Well, obviously this person was murdered in a Ripperesque way" and Herr Ironstag is all, "However did you know that?" Well, they are some of the most famous murders in history and oh yeah, I've taken forensic science, you Victorian loon.

Now we're pirates:

“Come on, tell me every detail,” Mary Sue begged. “And I’ll comb out the tag-alongs and shrubbery from your hair! How on earth did you end up with pieces of bramble bush stuck in that auburn mop of yours and what’s that got to do with pirates?”

Brambles in my hair? ACCURATE.

They stared at each other for a long while, their eyes saying the words they dared not speak.

"Would you like to do the sex now? I do it all the different ways."

I know that last bit isn't actually in the book, but if it were, I would buy it.

*legit laughing out loud at the last line* I FEEL LIKE THAT SHOULD BE AN LJ ICON.

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