Here's Anne Hathaway in another dress, and it's... like.. midnight violet blue... vinyl... lamé. Or something. "Please welcome two-time award winner Hilary Swank! Woo!" Swank is in silver and five ostriches' worth of skirt. Please welcome! Kathryn Bigelow in long-sleeved shoulderless red (yes, somehow)! THAT'S RIGHT, WE GET A HOST TO PRESENT A PRESENTER TO PRESENT KATHRYN BIGELOW. RESPECT.
“Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
“The Fighter” David O. Russell
“The King's Speech” Tom Hooper
“The Social Network” David Fincher
“True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
Winner: TOM HOOPER. "OH SHIT!" I actually yelled this out loud, people."OH SHIT!" I don't care about your "triangle of man love," that is--just--you seem like a really nice guy, but--seriously? The visual direction was the one thing I complained about when I saw the movie! Which I really liked! But not the visual direction! And I know directors contribute more than that! But I have a hard time believing you had to do anything with these actors but set them down on the stage and let them go! I just--what! What is this! I really love this movie but I do not understand! Concludes Hooper, "And the moral of the story is: listen to your mother."
James Franco seems to be having trouble reading the teleprompter; he's making faces at it while struggling to announce Annette Bening, who is in a fantastically blinged-out (are we still allowed to use the word "bling"? Is that still young and hip?) black dress. There seems to be some sort of honorary business going on here with Francis Ford Coppola and Eli Wallach and someone else. Apparently we don't actually take up twenty minutes giving honorary Oscars out anymore? I'm sorry, they just gave an Oscar to someone other than David Fincher. The King's Speech was a movie essentially carried by Colin Firth and, to a lesser extent, his costars. The Social Network was a movie carried by David Fincher. I'm going to be here a while.
Please welcome! Jeff Bridges! "WOO!" from Anne Hathaway and lesser WOOs from the audience! Oh dear, we're doing the Personal Nominee Tongue Bath again this year. To save time, however, we are only having a single presenter bathe all five nominees, unlike in the past when we had a whole passel of people do it, and only the lead categories. So all five of these women are now getting personalized monologues on their awesomosity from The Dude. You could do worse.
RT @Fowler_IGN: Jeff Bridges is about to school James Franco on how to host shit stoned!
Hey, kids? Could we not retweet that with @jamesfranco in front? Especially my retweet of it? WE DO NOT CROSS THE STREAMS.
Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter's Bone”
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”
Winner: Natalie Portman! In a raspberry purple color that I think is my favorite dress of hers this season! Huge cheers from the audience! Annette Bening looks genuinely happy for her, perhaps showing her true talent as a performer! Portman says she wishes that the award was that she would get to work with her fellow nominees, which is one of the best variations on "I'm just so honored to be with these women" I've ever heard. She rambles on moistly, as you do when you win Best Actress, and thanks her fiancé for giving her "the most important role of her life." Wow, she is still going. Seriously, I think she has thanked everyone she has ever met, some of them twice over.
Ladies and gentlemen, a special moment for Anne Hathaway! So special that she messes up! "Flub!" she announces! "Drink at home!" Please welcome! The amazing special moment of getting to introduce Sandra Bullock, who is wearing an amazing red dress! "Javier! Hola."
Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
Colin Firth in “The King's Speech”
James Franco in “127 Hours”
She references the time he terrified "an entire nation with your haircut." Moving on: "Jeff. Dude. Didn't you win this last year? Isn't it enough?" And: "Jesse? I'm still waiting for you to accept my friend request." She is glad for Colin Firth that the Queen enjoyed The King's Speech, "since you plan on going home sometime?" (Loud whistle in the audience?) "James? James? Oh, you're in the back." Cut to James Franco grinning awkwardly, as you do, backstage. "You are the number one reason children get picked up late from school, because their mothers are watching you on General Hospital." Winner: Colin Firth, preventing civil unrest. "I have a feeling my career's just peaked. My deepest thanks to the Academy. I'm afraid I have to warn you that I'm experiencing stirrings... in the upper abdominals... that are threatening to form themselves into... dance moves... which... joyous as they may be... will become problematic if they reach my legs before I am able to get off stage." He gets very emotional when he gets to thanking David Seidler, which is very sweet. And he thanks Tom Ford for "a very big piece of this," I'm guessing from having done A Single Man with him? "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some... impulses... I have to attend to... backstage."
Here is Anne Hathaway in YET ANOTHER DRESS. Dark, sparkly lace sheath of some sort? "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVEN SPIELBERG!" Okay, awesomely: "The other nine [movies that do not win] will join The Grapes of Wrath, Citizen Kane, The Graduate, and Raging Bull." Very nice point. Meanwhile, I'm not sure a montage of the ten nominees should be set to the King's actual Speech, if you were trying to maintain any suspense at all. (SERIOUSLY, IS THIS THE ENTIRE SPEECH?)
“Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
“The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
“Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
“The Kids Are All Right” Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
“The King's Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
“127 Hours” Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
“The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
“Toy Story 3” Darla K. Anderson, Producer
“True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“Winter's Bone" Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers
Winner: The King's Speech. You know, as much as I liked this movie, I suddenly had this wild hope that Spielberg would open the envelope and be like, "Winter's Bone?!?!?!" Wow, are they actually playing off the producer of the Best Picture? Holy crap. The show only ran three hours and eight minutes, you'll live.
And then the fifth grade chorus from Staten Island comes out to sing "Over the Rainbow." Behind them, all the night's winners step out in front of an Emerald City backdrop. Well, I guess this is why they had to play the guy off stage. Why not? I believe that is Hathaway yelling, "Woo! We did it!" Thank you, go sleep it off, and good night!
@judyblume: Come on--it wasn't that bad. It's the Oscar show. What did you expect? And now can we please go to sleep?