Marlena, she ded.
Shirtless Philip and Camisole Belle wander around her kitchen in the middle of the night. She can't sleep, and he magically decided to make her s'mores. "Shawn used to make me s'mores to make me feel better," whines Belle. Oh, Jesus, this is just too smurfy.
Love Cage. AHHHHHH, Jan is dressed up in makeup and prosthetics like an old woman. I am not looking forward to the part where she rips off her face and ties him to the bed. Shawn says he doesn't need to come in, because he knows what's going on. DUN DUN DUN.
Rex and Mimi's apartment. Enter Mimi in floral lingerie. HELLO, DON'T WE HAVE A PRISON DEATH TO DEAL WITH SOMEWHERE?
Jennifer's house. Bloody Patrick comes to: "I'm fine... I'll... walk it off..." He falls over.
Sami's apartment. Sami starts freaking out--she tries to turn the TV back on. Fortunately, they've stuffed Will in his room so he can't watch the escape on TV. They show the shooting of Marlena from yesterday, and Sami faints dead away.
Roof of the Worst-Run Jail in the World. John: "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Bo on radio: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I SAID HOLD YOUR FIRE!" Except for the 500 times before that that you said "shoot to kill." (In case I'm not making it clear, he did say "hold your fire," but in the noise of the chopper, the pilot heard "mfmmfmfmghgh FIRE!") Whatever. Marlena, she ded. Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Jan: "WHAT?" Shawn: "I said... I know what's going on. You've got a raccoon rooting through your trash." Jan: "Oh." She pulls the I Feel Like I've Known You Forever
And I Totally Want to Get in Your Pants number. Shawn: "O...kay."
Belle's apartment. Philip and Belle argue over the jerkitude of Shawn, with Belle playing for the defense. Belle wants to watch a movie and just forget about it, and... Philip remembers John telling him not to let Belle turn on the TV. Philip leaves to get graham crackers because HE IS A MORON. Belle is going to get on the internet and check her email where HOLY CRAP ARE YOU STUPID, PHILIP? Belle, clearly seeing headline news on the home page: "Oh my God!"
Sami's apartment. Sami "had a horrible dream!" Lucas: "Uh... about that dream..." Woe.
Roof of the Worst-Run Jail in the World. Hope and John try to hold on to Marlena, and in comes... Dr. Lexie to the rescue! What? Marlena does not look good. Marlena whimpers that she's dying. Commercials.
Jennifer's house. Patrick does not want the ambulance or the hospital called. Jennifer does not believe that he was mugged--she saw a car dump him in her yard and speed away. And she knows the reason (hello, it's because he got the bonds back, duh, show. It's not like this thought process is such a secret).
Mimi and Rex. Rex does not want an erotic massage from Mimi, because he is
Belle's apartment. Belle watches news footage of Marlena's shooting on her computer.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. A news team arrives at the jail. A Stepford Anchor shoves a mike in Marlena's face as she hemorrhages from a bullet to the heart. What? Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Crazy Old Lady Jan has made peppermint tea and scones for Shawn. Shawn's like, uh, I have to go. Crazy Old Lady Jan "won't take no for an answer" and shucks his leather jacket off with frightening enthusiasm. She has a vial of something to drug his tea with.
Belle's apartment. Belle goes into denial. She watches the Stepford Anchor push the mike in her face so that her mother can say, "Belle... I'm so sorry... you won't understand this... I don't understand it myself... please don't let this cost you your chance at happiness... remember... your mama loves you... " Philip returns from the Idiot Store, sees Belle sobbing, and shrieks, "Oh my God, what happened?" You went stupid, that's what happened.
Sami's apartment. Now Marlena addresses Sami. "This... will be... the hardest for you... I am so, so sorry..." She tells Sami to be good. Sami sobs and presses her hand to the TV screen.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. Everyone has a photogenic smudge of fake blood. Marlena apologizes to John. She wishes she could undo everything (no kidding). Bo looks a teensy bit contrite. Marlena says that she takes full responsibility, but that it won't ease the pain of what she did, etc. John angsts that he's not going to let her die. (And you plan to do that... how?) Marlena says it's too late. She tells John to take care of her children, she loves her family, etc. She tells him that she loves him and asks him not to spend his life grieving and to promise her that he will love again, clearly leaving the way open for a hookup with Kate. Death rattle. Dude, Matrix characters don't take this long to die.
Belle sobs with her finger jabbing the enter key, which is not the refresh key, so I don't know why she bothers.
John: "Don't you dare... die on... me...." Except for the part where she totally just did. Commercials.
Jennifer's house. Jennifer: "Duh, you were beaten up by the people who stole my bonds." She patches him up. He claims that he doesn't want professional help because he doesn't have health insurance (which we know from his initial appearance to be true), but he clearly doesn't want the whole thing reported, probably because of his prior record. She says she'll page Lexie and have her come over. Yeah, good luck with that.
Belle shrieks as Philip kisses her hair. Because that helps, fool.
Sami sobs. Will comes out and asks if Grandma is dead. Lucas is like, Beat it, kid, I got my hands full here.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. MARLENA ISN'T DEAD YET? WTF?? John is chanting, "Come on baby, I can't live without you, we're meant to be together!" Dude, bullets don't care. A freaky Young Marlena and Young John montage plays to the tune of something with the line "Fare thee well." Lexie finally whispers that Marlena is gone. Jesus, finally. Commercials.
(The "Hello Mother, Hello Father" Advantix puppy is SO CUTE OMG.)
Chez Crazy. Jan hums to herself as she drugs Shawn's tea. I'm totally waiting for Jan to drink the wrong one and end up passed out on the floor. Crazy Old Lady Jan turns on sexy jazz. I cannot blame Shawn for getting freaked out at this point.
Belle's apartment. Rex and Mimi run in. Belle tells them the bad news. Philip now has a shirt on, but Rex does not, so it's all good.
Sami's apartment. Will: "No no no, not Grandma now!" Sami sits Will down with remarkable self-composure and says that they should pray together as a family. Seriously, I was expecting her to be on a three-county rampage by now. Sami really does say a very lovely prayer. The Third Horseman of the Apocalypse stops, listens, then keeps riding on.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. John is losing his shit. He swears to prove her innocence. Again: good luck with that. Lexie, on the verge of tears, tells Hope that she did what she could, despite what Marlena did to Abe. Her pager goes off (aha!). Hope tells Bo that they found the gun Marlena "stole" (read: Crystal planted on her). Bo says lamely that this means she must be dangerous and guilty, or why would she have the gun? John comes over and starts freaking out on Bo. Commercials.
Jennifer's house. Lexie has patched up Patrick. Wow, that was quick. Lexie insists that they report this to the police. Lexie and Jennifer go off to talk in private. Lexie thinks the whole thing is v. v. suspicious and tells Jennifer that keeping Patrick in the house puts her in danger.
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. John blames Bo for the shoot to kill order. Bo says he takes full responsibility since Marlena was a confessed serial killer. Hope tries to intervene, to no avail. John throws his latex gloves in Bo's face. Bo is implacable.
Chez Crazy. On the Sexy Radio? They hear news reports of Marlena's death. Shawn jumps up to leave but... ah, the drugs kick in.
Belle's apartment. I'm sure Shawn will be blamed for not running to Belle's side. And everyone thinks he's left town. Jesus. Belle tries to call Shawn, but I'm sure Jan's already stripping him down in her bedroom. Commercials. We come back. Belle starts freaking out. I think she's gone into the anger stage.
Chez Crazy. Shawn is struggling across the room trying to get to his cell phone.
Jennifer's house. Lexie says she'll take Patrick to a shelter somewhere, but Jennifer declares that Patrick will stay in her home, with her, snap snap snap, Z formation.
Sami's apartment. Lucas compliments Sami on her "amazing" calm in front of Will. For serious, dude. She starts crying again, and says that SOMEBODY IS GOING TO PAY (DUN DUN DUN!).
The Worst-Run Jail in the World. Bo says that each murder has made him sick to his stomach, and this one doesn't make him feel any better, but there it is. John refuses to let Hope call the coroner and... carries Marlena's body away to "somewhere where no one can ever hurt you again." Uh... John...?
Previews. Lexie wants to know what Patrick's hiding. Crazy Jan, standing over Unconscious Shawn, spits, "Did you just say BELLE?" Crazy, crazy bitch. Sami blames Bo for Marlena's death. Flaming Marlena tells Celeste in a vision that EVERYONE IN SALEM WILL DIE. See! I told you! Zombie Marlena!