Another day in the crazy of Salem.
Okay, lemme get this straight: Marlena is dead, and we start the show with the Patrick-Jennifer-Lexie bit?
Philip begins the blaming of Shawn for not Being There For Belle, even though Shawn is currently fighting off Crazy Jan and her poisoned tea. (What is it with the show and tea?) Shawn falls flat on his face.
Sami launches into full-on SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY hysteria. Yeah, I knew the calm was too good to last. Well, at least she'll stop blaming John.
Ah, Celeste, long time no see. She goes to make tea (!) in anticipation of Lexie coming home. On her coffee table, Marlena's mask bursts into flame.
John lumbers down the street with Dead Marlena in his arm. A middle-aged couple passes, and I swear to God they actually look at John and say:
MAN: That's the serial killer!
WOMAN: I'm glad she's dead!
And then they keep going LIKE THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL.
Bo and Hope try to convince FrankenJohn to put Marlena down. "Over. My. Dead. Body," quoth FrankenJohn. Commercials.
Belle's apartment/Chez Crazy. Shawn won't answer the phone--can't answer, even though he's trying, because he's spazzing out on Crazy Jan's floor. Philip: Grumble grumble Shawn grumble. Cram it, Philip. Shawn: "What was in that peppermint tea?" Crazy. That's what was in your tea, Shawn. Crazy.
Sami's apartment. OH JESUS, SAMI, NOT WITH THE "JOHN KILLED MY MOTHER" AGAIN.
FrankenJohn. He insists that "this" is what she would want. Bo says, "Don't make me--" John: "What? Call in your sharpshooters and gun me down?" OH SNAP. FrankenJohn lumbers off. Hope: "Let him go." Bo: "GO WHERE? Where is he going? What is he doing with her?" Questions we would all like answered, Bo. Commercials.
Church of the Holy Sharpshooter. Inside, John lumbers towards the giant cross. He lays Marlena down on a conveniently provided velvet pad just below it and kisses her. He says that he will find peace for her in the next world, even if he couldn't find it for her in this one. He takes two votive candles over as the Bradys creep in after him. Hope says she'll call Belle and Sami.
Belle's apartment. Philip, don't even start. Kate's at the door. Kate's all like, Don't let Belle get hold of Shawn! Jesus, people do we not have enough to deal with, without the petty scheming?
Chez Crazy. Crazy Old Lady Jan tries to say that Shawn might be allergic to "fresh peppermint." Shawn: "Whatever, hag, gimme my phone."
Sami's apartment. Sami weeps. Phone: It's Hope. Sami is losing her shit. Hope: Marlena's death "wasn't meant to happen." (Sami: "WASN'T MEANT TO HAPPEN? WELL, GEE, NOW I FEEL BETTER!") She also says that John's got Marlena's body down at the church. Sami freaks out. Seriously, what is WITH the John hatred? I mean, I know about breaking up the Roman-Marlena marriage and all, but seriously, there are so many other people Sami could hate with much more reason right now.
Jennifer's house. Blah blah take him to the free clinic, blee blee he's staying here. Lexie: "Okay! Something else is going on here. Spill it, Patrick." Seriously, she actually says "Okay!" I love Lexie. Commercials. We come back. Lexie: "Again: SPILL. IT."
Chez Crazy. Crazy Old Lady Jan takes Druggy Shawn's phone away and says that whatever it is can wait. Shawn: "NO-OH... it... can't..." So funny. Shawn struggles across the room and finally ends up in an armchair. Upside down. With his face on the floor. I am not making this up.
Hope gets in touch with Belle, who says that they can't find Shawn. Belle wants to know why they had to kill Marlena. Hope: " . . . " Belle says Philip will take her down to St. Luke's. John is surrounding the body with votives. I am totally waiting for a Viking-style conflagration. Also: Could someone get John a shirt that isn't covered with
fake blood? I mean, his kid is coming down there. And, like, throw a blanket over Marlena or something. John prays. He refuses to believe that Marlena was consciously guilty. He's so sorry, he failed her, he will never forgive himself, etc.
Hope and Bo: " . . . "
Enter Sami. She starts blaming Bo (ah, variety!). Her threats to make him pay are somewhat sillified by calling him "Uncle Bo!!"
Jennifer's house. Patrick nimbly explains that if they go to the police, it'll be all over the news, and then everyone will know about Jennifer's inheritance, and she'll be the target "of every lowlife thug." Sliiiick. After Lexie leaves, Patrick announces that he's leaving, too.
Church of the Holy Sharpshooter. Sami shrieks. Hope tries to explain that Bo tried to call off the order to fire. Sami says Roman never would have let this happen. Well, since Marlena KILLED HIM... Sami stomps off, but Bo wonders to Hope if she's right.
Kate, Philip and Belle arrive. Philip's like, "You don't have to do this." Belle: "Except for the part where I do, pretty much." They go in to see Marlena's body.
Sami walks into the chapel and starts sobbing again. John: "Ohhhh, Samantha." Sami's all like, "Don't touch her! You should be dead!" Really, I'm not sure John would have a problem with that. Commercials. We come back, and Sami brings up the "John will shoot Marlena" prophecy. (Really, show writers, you might not want to bring that up right now, seeing as how you completely screwed that up.) Sami blames him for setting the whole thing in motion and they start shouting at each other hardcore. Enter Belle. Oh, now it's gonna get ugly. Everyone sobs. Belle tells John that she saw Marlena's last words to her on the news.
Chez Crazy. Crazy Old Lady Jan has dragged Shawn to the Love Cage. Please, Crazy Jan, I'm begging you: be a freakshow, but take off the old lady makeup. Please. Shawn [half-conscious]: "Belle..." Jan: "Did you just say BELLE?" Well, what'd you expect him to say, fruitbat? "Oh, Mrs. B., your support hose turn me on"?
Celeste's house. She pulls up the death card, WHICH DOES NOT ACTUALLY FORESHADOW DEATH, PEOPLE.
Church of the Holy Sharpshooter. Everyone stands in a line leading to the body, staring at it. Hope asks Bo to hold her. Belle sits by Marlena's body. Seriously, could we not have wiped the blood off her face? John asks Philip to take Belle outside. Kate gives John her condolences and hugs him. Sami starts shrieking at them. Outside among the white roses, Philip tells Belle that she will Never Be Alone.
Chez Crazy. Crazy Jan warns Unconscious Shawn to forget about Belle and be happy with her craziness. She chains him to the bed.
Jennifer's house. Jennifer forbids Patrick to leave. While she goes off to make him "some nice soup," Nefarious Guy calls Patrick and tells him to "target" Jennifer Deveraux OR ELSE. Commercials. We come back. Patrick refuses, and Nefarious Guy says that Jennifer may be the next one in line for a beating. Jennifer comes back, and Patrick says that he pretty much has no choice about staying now. DUN DUN DUN!
Celeste's house. Tek has brought a toy for Lexie's little boy. Celeste is staring at the Death Card That Totally Does Not Actually Foreshadow Death. She turns around and starts screaming at something.
Crazy Old Lady Jan starts stripping and kissing Shawn Oh my God, I just went blind.
Church of the Holy Sharpshooter. Lucas: "Are you crazy?" Lucas tries to talk sense into her. Honey, it's a lost cause. Sami tells him that if he's going to take John's side, he can go cram it. John swears to Dead!Marlena that he will find the answers. Bo tells Hope that it's over, and they can start to heal. Good luck with that.
Celeste's house. Black-veiled Marlena has come to tell Celeste that more people will die and that the suffering is not over, and that everyone in Salem will die. Well, yes, eventually. You came back from the dead just to tell her that?
Previews. Sami tells Belle that Shawn's like his father and they're both assholes. Hope tries to break up a John-Bo fight. Celeste tells Ghost!Marlena that she doesn't want to be a part of "this," and Marlena tells her that she has no choice.