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Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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The most sparkleful time of the year
twilight lolcat
I feel like I should check in, this being Sparklemas. I have spent the entire month being really, severely, physically depressed--I can't remember if this time of year is always like this for me. It feels worse than usual, but then I remember how raw everything feels right around my birthday mid-December, so... it's probably just a seasonal downward spike. It's just so hard to explain, because you're not depressed "about" anything--it's like you've got the flu, influenza of the soul, and someone comes in and goes, "Where's the blood? It's not like anyone stabbed you or anything, walk it off." There's no easily recognized focal point--it's just there, draining you. Specific wounds take time to heal, yes, but you have something to focus on--change the bandages, take out the stitches; a specific event-driven depression, an emotional wound, might be a break-up or a job loss or the death of a loved one. You might not be able to do anything about it, but you have an idea of why you feel so horrible. I don't know--this emotional flu seems to have no real beginning and, you fear, no end. You can't explain it, you don't know what else to do, after the antidepressants and the vitamins and the full-spectrum lamp and everything else you've been recommended. It's just... haunting you.

However, it is also Sparklemas.

Indeed, sir. Indeed.

So, my Breaking Dawn schedule looks like this: I did not go to the midnight showing of the Squicky Installment last night because you could not have paid me enough; I may get to see it tomorrow morning; I may also get to see it Sunday afternoon, and if I get to see it both times, I'll be able to come home, write down what I remember, and then check it against the second showing. At some point, I will probably stop and put together an unrelated post of new movie trailers, because there are some good ones (OMG RUN KATNISS RUN). Then, I will curl up in the corner and rock back and forth because I haven't written a Thing of Which We Do Not Speak since the last Twilight movie more than a year ago and I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off but I don't think failure is an option here. Then, on Tuesday, I will be guesting on Made of Fail again.

At some point, I will catch up on the Harry Potter movies. Being good-but-restrained, they didn't give me a whole lot to work with. I'm counting on you, Twilight, to get me through this.

@Annaleen: Another thing about Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. There is an entire scene where the wolves talk to each other in growl language.

Maybe we'll be okay after all.

'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn' Makes $30 Million at Midnight; On Pace to Beat 'The Dark Knight.'

Late-breaking: NO TWILIGHT SLUMP! ‘Breaking Dawn’ Surging To $70 Million Friday Including $30.2M Midnights For $135M Weekend.

@cleolinda: RT @cinemablend: Breaking Dawn Includes A Bonus Scene, So Stay Through The Credits!

@maureenjohnson: @cleolinda Like people would leave during the credits. I'm staying for a week!

@kitsunewill: We have to wait until next movie for KStew to get her Suepire powers, right?


(Oh my God. I went back and read the I Just Saw Eclipse entry and had totally forgotten that a room full of charged-up women steamed up my glasses halfway through the movie. THAT is why I don't want to see this one in a theater full of exceptionally het-up fangirls.)

Did you know that more than 700 people--more people than Occupy LA, I am told--camped out for four days just to get a spot at the red carpet for the premiere? Like, not even see the movie? Yahoo Movies got out there with popcorn and a cotton candy machine, although Kellan Lutz was not allowed to give them Krispy Kremes (you may remember last year that the Hilton Garden Inn had to bring in humanitarian aid), and there were some activities to appease the masses:

@cleolinda: I can't believe they weren't joking about this. Your Yahoo!-branded Breaking Dawn self-insert wedding picture: http://tinyurl.com/6p987gp

@cleolinda: Someone said they were doing that and I thought it was like, a busted-up cardboard standup someone brought to the line camp. Not... THIS.

@particle_person: I'm appalled and amused all at the same time. Amalled.

@Ceilidhann: No cardboard Jacob & crib for baby photos? Missed opportunity, Yahoo.

Several days later (i.e., five minutes ago):

@cleolinda: I just realized why Edward uses Yahoo to search, like, "vampire deathbaby omg help" [in the new movie, as I am told]: it was a tie-in.

@raidswindmills: Well he couldn't use GOOGLE. It might show up on his G+ and then those Italian vampires would see it. #IDEK

@cleolinda: But he SAID "you can google it" in the first movie which I REMEMBER because it was LOLARIOUS. #JFGI

@jenyamato You knew it was coming... RT @Movieline Here's @LouisVirtel with the latest Bad Movies We Love: 'Twilight'

@louisvirtel: Every 'Twilight' poster is the most serious murder mystery dinner party ever.

@io9: The 25 Most Disturbing Twilight Products of 2011

@cleolinda: I KNOOOOOW RT @Kate_Hart: @cleolinda "of 2011" is the most disturbing part of that tweet.

@Kate_Hart: @cleolinda aughhhhh until I clicked the link die terrifying doll

@particle_person: @cleolinda Ahhhh vampire fleshlight noooooo

@cleolinda: I just do it for the lolz, really.

(My mother, who has started reading my Twitter: "What are 'lolz'?" "For the lolz means 'for the laughs,' basi--WAIT. NO. DON'T LOOK AT THAT. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE QUESTIONS. DON'T ASK THEM.")

@queenanthai: Dear @cleolinda: YOU HAVE TO

@cleolinda: Why don't we just focus on bridesmaids dresses for the ponies I already have?


@ebertchicago: Forget about the breaking dawn -- how did they break the bed? My review of the new Twilight movie.

I like how this is what he's stuck on.

@Movieline: Ask a Vampire: Merticus guest reviews 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1'

@TheAVClub: #Twilight #BreakingDawn reaches its full cracked-out paranormal soap opera potential

@christylemire: The new "Twilight" movie is not good.

@christylemire: @cleolinda Could Renesmee be the worst name ever?

@cleolinda: @christylemire I have long insisted that if she'd been a boy, she should have been named Edwob Charlisle.

@cleolinda: I'm trying not to RT too many reviews, but I just love the idea that this movie will be trolling a mostly unsuspecting nation this weekend.

("Oh, come on, who doesn't know what happens?" The people I am still able to troll, to this day, with rousing games of Horrify the Twilight Noob? They think they know what happens, kind of, but they don't know.)

@Salome: In class trying not to howl with delight at Manohla Dargis's description of Taylor Lautner.

God bless:

@cleolinda: The New York Times LIKES IT. I kind of love Manohla Dargis for committing to sparkle motion.

Because, you see, I kept reading so many reviews about how utterly dire this movie--one cup of plot in a ten-gallon hat--is, and I'm sitting here thinking, that means I'll have that much more time to contemplate my secondhand embarrassment squick! But... Twilight movies aren't really about cinematic quality per se. They're about the faintly wackadoo cultural zeitgeist mixed with a weird, troubling, swoony dose of hilarity piped in straight from the id. So it was kind of heartening to hear Manohla Dargis say, in essence, that if this is the sort of thing you like, you will like this sort of thing, and obviously there's something I like about discussing this sort of thing, or I wouldn't be doing it.

@cleolinda: I think Manohla Dargis just made me believe in Sparklemas again.

Sparkle bless us, every one.

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Sounds like you have a case of Hyberbole and a half level depression. You can join us on the forkgrabbers couch. It's cool.

Man, I hope I hit the level of Not Giving a Fuck that she did.

I need some kind of "Everything I know about Twilight, I learned from cleolinda" icon.

(Have you read the most recent Hyperbole and a Half?)

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I don't think we have those here. I do, however, have a large purse and no compunction about drinking in the middle of the day.

Have a very glitterageous Sparklemass, Cleo. My gold glittered fingers salute you.

Right now, I'm actually testing out light therapy with one of those SAD lamps. I'm not really sure WHAT to thing about it yet.

I totally get the drianing away thing. The people (like my husband) who come in and tell me to walk it off, as it were, really are very lucky that I don't surge to my feet (with my last bit of strength) and jam a pencil in their eyeball.

Oh, man, I didn't know about the bonus scene and I left early!

Although we have to wait for BD2: Bella Swann Vampires Better Than You, I was completely satisfied by (SPOILER) the power of Bella's vampire cleavage. Insta-Boob? Airbag of Boobage? I'm not sure I can come up with a name for it worthy of its awesomeness.

Re: Oh, man, I didn't know about the bonus scene and I left early!

Please tell me that doesn't really happen.

Influenza of the soul is totally what I have. My mood isn't even entirely that bad, but I just basically never want to get out of bed or brush my hair or leave the house again.

Hope it gets better for us soon.

I've been having some problems with hair-combing, yeah.

OMG, I just read that Carter Burwell did the score for BD. YESSSSSS!!!!! I loved, loved, loved his score for the first movie. It was beautiful and haunting and not at all what you'd expect in a teen movie.

I know! I love "I Know What You Are." It's a really unusual score for that kind of movie.

Is it possible you suffer from SAD? I didn't realize I have a mild case of it until I moved from Cali to Georgia. Cali gets enough sunny days even during the rainy season to keep the symptoms from becoming too bad, but Georgia? Georgia is a nightmare. Hurricane season followed closely by winter? Yea, the SAD (and the storm headaches) can get pretty bad.

I don't even want to THINK about Twilight....

No, I do. That's what the full spectrum lamp is for.

steamed up my glasses

I did not, till this moment, realize the true horror of that day. AHHHHHH!

I'm sorry about the depression and I wish it wasn't caused by brain chemicals because otherwise I'm sure that Absolute Write wank would fix you up Reader's Digest-style (you know — Laughter Is The Best Medicine).

Man, and all that steam was over a leg hitch. You see why I'm kind of dreading this.

A few random thoughts:

(1) Take a barf bucket when you go. Seriously. The blood-drinking from a Styrofoam cup almost caused me to lose lunch, never mind the birth scene.

(2) Everyone in the theater broke into uncontrollable laughter when the name "Renesmee" was pronounced. Including the teenage fangirls. Interesting.

(3) . . . Meanwhile, I was thinking of "Edwob Charlisle." :-D Bless you.

(4) Point to ponder: Why does Edward not sparkle in the sunlight in this movie? Seriously, he sits in DIRECT sunlight, and there's not the slightest glimmer. Sparkle motion, my foot.

(5) The music in this movie is truly wretched. (The parade of emo songs, I mean, not the actual score.) I thought the music in the previous movies was bad, but this music made the previous music sound like Beethoven's Ninth.

(6) Regarding The Thing of Which We Do Not Speak: You can do it. We have total faith in you. You couldn't be unfunny if you tried.

(7) I'm so very sorry to hear about the emotional flu. Hoping and praying for it to go away and leave you alone.

Edited at 2011-11-19 04:24 am (UTC)

Yeah, I think I missed exactly WHY they skipped out on sparkling effects this time. They may have spent that part of the budget on making Kristen Stewart look emaciated (I'm serious, that was CGI).

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I keep deliberately NOT THINKING about The Hobbit because every time I think of wee Martin Freeman in Middle Earth I get a smile on my face that could kindly be described asgoofy.

And then I think of the EPIC amount of dvd extras and commentaries that will be on the super dooper extended releases and have to go lie down for a little while.


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